More than One War in the Wizarding World
by hipotamus
Summary: They'd thrice defied Voldemort and according to Lily it had all been James' fault. But then again, everything was James' fault according to Lily. Keep your friends close, enemies closer, and wands under your pillow. The war has begun. LJ. romance.
1. A mission gone awry

**Summary:** _"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...born to those who have thrice defied him..." - _Which Lily blamed all on James actually. After all, if it wasn't for that smart mouth of his...anyway, they'd defied him three times and almost died along the way. Nothing like a little danger to add some spice to their romance, 'ey?

**Disclaimer: **Hmmm, I often wish I was JK Rowling...but I'm not, so basically everything you recognize is hers. (and everything you don't is mine, so back off)

Hello again! Ok so as you probably noticed, I took down the last version of this story and have pretty much rewritten it here. This is the sort-of sequel to my story Earthworms and a Horny Suit of Armour, which basically just told the story of James chasing Lily while they were at Hogwarts. This story, however is mainly about their relationship (of course :D) and the friction between good and evil, causing every witch and wizard to keep their friends close, enemies closer, and fall asleep with their wands under their pillows. Hopefully it should go a bit more chronologically from now on. Hope you enjoy!

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Chapter One **

Lily sat on the edge of her barstool, feeling extremely self-conscious. She'd let Sarah dress her, something she wasn't planning on doing again in a hurry. Sarah Zabini was a tall, haughty girl, with long thin limbs, sleek black hair, and a stare that could freeze a boy's heart as soon as melt it. Lily often referred to her as the most expensively dressed prostitute she'd ever met. Which was a pretty accurate description, having slept with half of the Hogwarts population.

Lily's other best fried, Eleanor Harvey, was much more conservative, with her large blue eyes, set wide and innocent in her chubby round face. She had curly blonde hair and was the spitting image of a perfectly carved porcelain doll – and was about as naive as one too.

But school was over now. Lily had graduated from Hogwarts less than two weeks ago, and currently found herself sitting in a seedy pub, carelessly stirring her drink, and attempting to look casual. Which she wasn't. Not by a long shot. She was dressed in knee-high black boots, an extremely tight mini-skirt, and a low cut red silky top, showing ridiculous amounts of pale skin. She'd refused point blank to don the fishnet tights when Sarah had held them out to her. Of course, Lily wouldn't normally being sitting in a dirty old bar, practicing the art of indecent exposure, if it wasn't for her determination to help Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix. And her mission for the night was to get information out of one Theodore Guildenweed, a large man, sitting in the corner, downing tankard after tankard of mead.

Of course, Dumbledore hadn't assigned this job to her. He'd simply been discussing it and she'd volunteered. He hadn't been too pleased, but as he could think up no reasonable excuse for her to not help, he'd had to allow it.

As Lily sat at the bar, waiting for the opportune moment to approach Guildenweed (in other words, when he was so drunk he could barely walk), Lily's thoughts skimmed over her last few weeks at Hogwarts and landed on James. They'd departed with rather curt goodbyes, and neither had written. With a sigh, Lily pushed the olive around the bottom of her glass. They'd fallen out after Christmas. Lily had gone home during the Christmas holidays…had rushed to the hospital on Christmas day, and spent the next week at her father's bedside, watching him slowly die.

She'd hated the man anyway, but he _was_ her father after all, and she'd loved him once. Sometimes Lily just wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere, somewhere alone where it was dark, and she could just lie down and cry. Then fall asleep and not have to face it all – life. It had just become too hard. Maybe that's why she'd volunteered for this mission. She'd become reckless. That's what Sarah thought anyway.

Eleanor reckoned Lily had to admit to her feelings – her feelings of loss for her father, and love for James – something Lily was not willing to do. And Eleanor thought Lily had to cry, because 'once you cried, everything would be all better.'

Truthfully, Lily hadn't cried since it had happened…and the tears just wouldn't come. Maybe it was because she'd never really loved him. How awful did that sound - her father. Dead. It just didn't seem right. There had been so many close calls, with him being an alcoholic and drug user. But this time he'd actually died.

Lily shook her head and pierced the olive angrily with her toothpick. No. She had loved him. He was her dad. And as much as she hated his guts for being weak and pathetic and never there for her, he was still her father. It wasn't fair.

Everyone she'd ever loved or cared for had been ripped away from her. Both sets of grandparents over the years had died slow and painful deaths. Her aunt had been killed in a car crash, her cousin had drowned three summers ago, her sister had stopped talking to her, her mother pretended she didn't exist, her older brother…Lily felt her throat burn as it always did when she thought of him. He'd died when she and Petunia were only five years old.

And now her father.

She wasn't going to let it happen anymore. She _couldn't_. She would refuse to love anyone because she just couldn't get hurt again. Not again, not now. Her heart had been torn into a million little pieces and no one was left to help her sew it back together.

Someone tapped her shoulder and she broke out of her reverie with a start. It was Guildenweed, a drunk sneer on his alcohol-slackened face.

"You're pretty," he slurred, attempting to sit on the stool next to her, but missing and falling to the floor, his tankard hitting the hard stones with a clatter. Lily stood and took his arm, pulling him to his feet.

"I'm Lily," she said, smiling as best she could and trying not to throw up from nerves.

"Ted," he muttered, slamming the tankard down on the counter and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He smelt distinctly unwashed, coupled with the smell of pipe smoke and alcohol. He actually smelt a bit like her father, but Lily put that thought quickly out of her head, before this whole thing became some sort of Freudian mess. "How much?" he asked, leading her through tables and towards the pub door.

With a start, Lily realised he thought she was a prostitute. Wow, Sarah's dress sense was really having an effect.

"Well since you're so gorgeous, I'll give you a cheap rate. But how 'bout we get ourselves a little drink first, 'ey?" she purred, taking him by the arm and leading him back towards the bar.

"Drink? Drink sounds good! Two ales!" he yelled at the barkeeper, who shot them both a dirty look and filled two tankards with dark brown ale.

Only when Guildenweed was drinking greedily from his tankard, did Lily relax slightly, and allow her mind to focus on the task she had been given.

"You come here often?" she purred, fingering her mug but not taking a sip. She needed to keep her head clear.

Guildenweed shrugged. "Often enough," he slurred. "Never seen you here before. You're prettier than th'other girls. Younger too."

Lily smiled coyly at him and raised her tankard to her lips, in imitation of drinking. "Well, I've got some friends. As pretty and young as me. I could introduce them to your friends…Or do you come here alone?"

At that moment, a hand rested gently on Lily's shoulder. She jumped and spun around, only to find herself face-to-face with a tall man in his thirties, with long blonde hair and icy blue eyes.

"Why so nosey, Lily Evans?" Lucius Malfoy drawled, sneering nastily at her.

Swallowing, Lily moved her hand discreetly towards her wand, but he grabbed her wrist.

"I don't think so," he said, in barely more than a whisper.

Lily's mind was whirling, but she attempted to stay calm. How had he known she would be here? Did this mean he _was_ connected to Guildenweed?

Malfoy seemed to read her mind and laughed coldly. "It seems one of your friends was keeping an eye on you tonight. We ran into him outside the bar. Now, what I want to know is, why are the two former heads of Hogwarts spying on my good friend here?"

James. Shit. How was she going to get out of this now? And how did James know, anyway? "It's none of your business what I'm doing here, Malfoy. Last time I checked, this was still a free country. I have as much right to be here as you do. More so, I would say, given some of your recent actions."

"You are wrong, Lily," Malfoy breathed, his hand tightening painfully on her wrists. "Mudblood's don't have rights anymore. You'll be begging to tell me everything by the time I'm through with you tonight."

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**Thanks for reading. Please Review!! **


	2. Slight of hand

**AN:** Hello! Thanks to all those who read and reviewed! Don't really have much else to say (very uncharacteristacally, i know), so enjoy!

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"James Potter, if we get out of here alive, I'm going to kill you myself!" Lily hissed, straining against the ropes binding her to a chair.

"You're so hostile, Lily. It's really not good for you."

"Good for me?" Lily exclaimed, her voice rising with her temper. "Good for me? Potter, we have been captured by Death Eaters, we will be tortured and then we will be killed, and you think I'm _hostile_?"

James grinned to himself, picturing the expression on her face. He couldn't actually see her as he was tied to another chair, and the two chair backs were pressed against each other.

"Do you honestly think I was the only one watching over you?" James muttered under his breath. "By now, the entire Order will know we have been taken."

Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times, not able to find the appropriate words. How dare he be so arrogant? How dare he and his cronies "watch over" her? He had no right!

"You're getting hostile again," James muttered, a grin playing on his face once more.

"I'll show you fucking hostile!" Lily spat, wiggling against her restraints, trying to get her hands free so she could wrap them around James' neck.

"On the bright side, you now have proof that Guildenweed is, in fact, a Deatheater," James said conversationally, minding to keep his voice low.

"How is that a bright side, exactly? I'm betting that within an hour, we'll be dead. No one _else_ will know he's a Deatheater."

"Calm down," James said soothingly, twisting his neck in an attempt to see her. "We're not going to die. I won't let anyone hurt you."

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Lily let out a string of words that even James raised his eyebrows at, the nicest of which was "arrogant arse."

"Lily, listen to me," he said quietly, his voice soothing. "I know you're scared. So am I. But we have to believe we'll make it through this. We have to stay calm."

Lily had turned her head now, so that her glinting green eyes met his hazel ones. "I'm not scared," she said stubbornly. "I'm angry. Out of everyone I could be stuck here with, why did it have to be you?"

James turned away, flushing a dull red. He was embarrassed and hurt. Glancing around the dim room, he wondered where they were. They'd been knocked out and tied up, and had woken in a dark, dingy room, smelling of damp carpet and mould. There were no windows, and only one door, which was closed and probably locked. The walls were bare, and had possibly once been white but were now a grungy yellowing colour.

James heard Lily sniff and turned his head around. He wished he could comfort her, but he didn't know how anymore. She was so angry at him; all the time, she was angry at him. But in all fairness, he'd done nothing wrong.

They'd been fine up until Christmas. Not exactly a couple, but they'd enjoyed each other's company. She'd let him kiss her and had even initiated the contact a few times herself. They hadn't taken it any further than that, but James had been happy to take things slowly. Then she went home for Christmas.

It had all changed after that. Lily had become distant. Had closed down. She wouldn't talk to him, and constantly avoided him. James knew her father had died over Christmas, but why did she shut _him_ out? What had he done?

The door flew open. Lily gave a little start behind him. James strained against his bonds and found her hand. She let him take it, but James was sure that was only because she didn't have the energy to take it away.

Malfoy walked into the room, followed by Guildenweed who looked considerably more sober than he had done a few hours ago.

"How did you know where we were going to be?" James demanded, his eyes hardening out of hatred.

"I don't think you're in much of a position to be asking questions, Mr. Potter," Malfoy said smoothly, smiling nastily.

"Where are we?" Lily asked, her voice surprisingly hard and angry once again. If she had been crying moments before, she gave no indication of it now.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "You are in the house where the Dark Lord's mother lived as a child."

It was James' turn to raise his eyebrows. "Why tell us the location of the Voldemort's secret headquarters?"

"Who said it was headquarters?" A cold sneering voice spoke, coming from the shadows on the other side of the door. James watched as a tall figure walked slowly into the dimly lit room, his frame was pale and only vaguely human, with flashing red eyes and waxy skin pulled tight across sharp bones.

"You killed my parents," James said, his voice quite calm, but anger bubbling up inside him, like bile rising in his throat. He wanted to yell, scream, rip this…man, could you call him? – apart, limb from limb. But he could not move. He was bound tightly to the chair, and he no longer had his wand.

"I did," Voldemort agreed, circling around the seated couple, and stopping in front of Lily. "You are afraid," he said quietly. "But you hide it better than James. Why is that?"

Lily did not reply. She continued to stare at him her eyes blazing in her pale face.

"Perhaps it is because he loves you," Voldemort said quietly, crouching in front of her. "Perhaps, we should show him how foolish it is to love."

With a snap of his fingers, the ropes binding Lily vanished. She drew her arms up from her sides and rubbed her raw wrists tenderly. Still, she did not speak.

"You think you are brave, girl?" Voldemort grabbed her arm with icy fingers. "You are not brave. I see the fear in your eyes."

"What you see is disgust," Lily said very quietly. "Repulsion. Nausea. The same expression everyone has when they look at you. Have you really been mistaking it for fear all these years? How sad…"

Voldemort pulled her roughly to her feet. "I want information on the Order. And I assume the only way I get that, is to make you hurt."

"I'll never talk," Lily hissed her green eyes meeting his red ones.

"No," he whispered dangerously. "I know you will not. But Potter will."

"Don't hurt her," James cried, struggling once again against his bonds. "Take me instead! Don't hurt her!"

"James," Lily said quickly, turning to look at him, and pulling her arm roughly from Voldemort's grip. "No matter what he does, don't say anything. Promise me!"

Lucius Malfoy grabbed her and pushed her roughly against the wall. She struggled uselessly against him, meeting James' eyes. For a second, he thought he saw them flash with something like discovery, but in an instant it was gone.

"Promise me, James!"

"Crucio," Voldemort said, his wand pointed at Lily's heart. She screamed, and arched her back, her head falling backwards, he eyes squeezed tight. She jerked and spasmed, falling out of Malfoy's grip as her legs gave out underneath her.

"Stop!" James screamed. "I'll tell you anything just stop!"

Voldemort lifted his wand. "Ah, the weak always talk."

"Untie me," James ordered, straining against his bonds so hard, they cut into his skin and drew blood.

"I don't think so," Malfoy hissed, nudging Lily with the toe of his boot. "Get up girl."

"Don't touch her!" James yelled again.

"Where is Dumbledore?" Voldemort screamed, flying over to James and grabbing him roughly by the shoulders.

"I don't know," James said, his eyes flicking between the livid and twisted face of Lord Voldemort, and Lily, who was laying on the floor, her eyes squeezed shut and a hand clutching her side.

Voldemort considered him a moment, then decided he wasn't lying. Rage washed over him and he backhanded James hard against the cheek, bringing tears stinging into his left eye.

"Where are your headquarters?" Voldemort asked in a deadly whisper, his hand now clutching the boy's throat, so that James gasped and struggled in his grip.

"I couldn't tell you, even if I wanted to," he rasped. "I'm not the secret keeper."

Voldemort's eyes flashed again. He raised his wand, pointed it at Lily and yelled, "Avada –"

"My Lord, no!" It was Malfoy, his eyes flashing. "We still need them, my Lord. Not yet."

Voldemort seemed to consider Malfoy for a moment, then spun on his heel, pointing his wand violently at James. The ropes binding him vanished. "Tend to the girl, Potter. I haven't finished with her yet, and I'd rather she wasn't dead when I came back."

With that, he swept out of the room, his rooms billowing behind him, followed closely by Malfoy, who pulled the door closed behind him. James heard the click of the lock and fell out of his chair, sinking on the floor beside Lily.

Gently, James cupped her head in his hands and raised her into a sitting position. "Lily," he pleaded quietly, hugging her to him.

She coughed, blood trickling out of her mouth, then swore quietly. James sobbed weakly, trying to brush the tears from his eyes while helping her to sit up. "You're alright."

"Of course I am," she said quietly, opening her eyes and gently drawing herself out of his arms.

Smiling weakly, he quickly surveyed her under lowered lashes.

"I'm fine," she said quietly.

He nodded. "It should have been me, not you. I shouldn't have let them touch you. I should have protected you."

Lily's eyes turned cold so fast James actually felt the chill resonate from her. "Unless you shut up right now, I'm not going to give you your wand back."

James's jaw dropped as, with a weak grin, Lily produced two wands from inside her cloak. He swallowed stupidly, and stated, "Lucius Malfoy is going to be in a lot of trouble."

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**Hope you liked it. Please review! Oh, and hopefully next chapter, we should get Sirius and Remus, and all the others back in. Thanks for reading! **


	3. A little problem

**AN:** hello, first of all, thanks to everyone who reviewed! you guys really make my day. Really should be studying right now, but hey, this is more fun. Ok well, please enjoy!

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"Lily Evans, I have never loved you more," James proclaimed, leaning in and smacking a sloppy wet kiss on her forehead. With a grimace of disgust, she wiped her face clean of saliva and glared at her cellmate. 

"We're not out yet, Potter. We need a plan."

"A plan," James repeated, nodding and taking his wand from her. "Righto."

Lily waited expectantly, but James continued to smile blankly at her. After a moment he spoke.

"You're actually expecting me to come up with a plan?"

Lily glared. "If you don't want to _die_, yes, that would be helpful. You've slipped out of classes and detentions so many times I thought you'd be a master of escape."

James grinned. "If I get us out of here, you have to promise to call me the Master of Escape from now on, deal?"

Lily stared at him, completely exasperated. "James, I understand that you deal with difficult situations through humour, but this is _seriously_ not the time."

"All right, all right. Let me think," he stood, and paced the stark walls, running his fingers across the smooth surfaces, scuffing his feet on the dirty floor, and even gazing up at the low ceiling. "Ok," he finally said. "I think I have a plan."

-

Lily was not particularly impressed. In fact, she was about to execute one of the worst plans she had ever heard, all though, as James pointed out, they didn't exactly have a lot to work with. They were also relying heavily on the hope that a mob of Deatheaters weren't outside the door. If so, they would be in big trouble…well, they'd be dead.

Lily looked up from her position on the floor, her back pressed against the wall facing the door, and caught James' eye. He smiled encouragingly and winked. Suddenly, his eyes became serious and he pressed a finger to his lips.

Lily had heard them too. Deep voices and approaching footsteps. It was almost time. Mindlessly, she repeated the enchantment James had just taught her over and over again in her head: Obscurum totalum, obscurum totalum…her silent mantra ceased as she heard the lock in the door click, a man say something quietly, and the door bang open. With a crack, a jet of yellow light passed straight through the wooden door and hit James squarely in the chest.

Time seemed to stop as Lily watched the spell hit him hard, his eyes bulge in shock, then, with a pop, he vanished.

At least, she thought he'd vanished. His clothes collapsed into a pile on the floor, but Lily was sure she could see something move within the pile of robes and muggle attire.

All this happened in a split second: the longest amount of time she could spare, before she raised her wand and shrieked, "Obscurum totalum!" The room instantly filled with a dense black fog. She lifted her cloak to cover her nose and mouth, and ran, blind and deaf towards the door. A jet of green light shot over her head, but she ducked just in time. She could sense movement to her right, and sank to the floor, just as another jet of light almost grazed her ear. Groping towards where James had just been standing. Her hands found his discarded robes, and as she bundled them into her arms, she also picked up something fairly small and quite heavy. In shock, she almost dropped whatever it was. Its squirming told her it was alive: perhaps a dog, or… a young child?

She didn't have time to ponder it. Her hands reached out and groped for the door. Another jet of light flashed but it was a few metres away from her. Standing, Lily made a run for it, flying out of the room, down a hallway and finally out into the cool night air.

Gasping for clean air, her eyes watering from the thick smoke and her throat burning terribly, she made it to the bottom of the path, before spinning on the spot, and disappearing with a crack.

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"Lily!" Remus exclaimed, starting as the door opened. He was standing by the fireplace, frowning into its depths, waiting for news on his friends. "How did you…why are you carrying a baby?"

Lily hiked the small child higher on her hip and crossed the room to warm herself by the fire.

"Lily, the whole Order's gone out looking for you and James. Sirius said Lucius took you. Where – where's James? Who's that? How did you escape? You're not Imperiused are you?" He took a step closer and stared intently into her eyes, checking to see if they were at all glazed over.

"Calm down, Remus. No, I'm not Imperiused, but…we have a major problem." The child on her hip squealed and grabbed a handful of red hair, before shoving it into his mouth.

His mouth falling open, Remus stared at the child. "Is that…Lily, is that James?"

"You see the problem," Lily muttered while attempting to remove her hair from the small boy's mouth. "Malfoy hit him with a spell, while James was hiding behind the door. I used the Obscurum Totalum curse and just managed to get out. But..." Lily felt herself choke on her next few words as the concept of James not recovering suddenly hit her. "What if we can't fix him?" she whispered.

"Shh," Remus said soothingly, pulling the child out of her arms. "All he needs is a simple aging potion. Dumbledore will fix him in a jiffy." With a flick of his wand, a silver shadow shot out of the tip and flew out of the open window, presumably on its way to inform Dumbledore of Lily and James' return to safety.

"I don't know how I messed up so badly," Lily commented, flopping down on a couch and watching Remus bounce the child up and down on his hip.

"We had no idea Malfoy would be there. He saw James spying on you outside the pub. Thank goodness he didn't see Sirius sitting inside, otherwise we may not have found out."

Lily shrugged. "It may have been better if he didn't alert the Order. What if they're there now? Trying to rescue us? They're out risking their necks because I messed up."

Remus shook his head. "Lily, it wasn't your fault. And besides, you found out what we needed to know. Guildenweed is a Deatheater."

"Not necessarily. We don't have proof. All we know is he hangs out with known Deatheaters…doesn't mean he's one."

Remus sighed then noticed what Lily was wearing and raised his eyebrows. Her skirt her ripped at the side, and her high-heeled boots were splattered with mud. "Hold James," he said kindly. "I'll find you some clothes."

Lily took the sleeping baby James in her arms and relaxed back into the sofa. They were in James' house…or rather, in his manor, on his very large estate. It wasn't exactly the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, but since the last one burnt down, they had been congregating here.

It was a beautiful manor as well, with antique luxurious furniture, fireplaces in each room, and high ceilings. Thick Persian carpets were spread on the hard stone floors and old heavy drapes hung from the floor to ceiling windows. Lily couldn't even imagine having grown up here, spending her summer days on the rolling green lawns surrounding the house, or the woods behind the clear blue lake.

The door creaked open again, and Remus had returned, a stack of clothes in his arms. He handed her what must have been some of James' old robes, a plain white button down shirt, and a pair of blue striped boxer shorts. "I'm sure I could have found you some of his mother's clothes," Remus began but Lily shook her head.

"No, this is better. Thanks."

He then held up a t-shirt, which he must have shrunk, as the tiny word 'Tornadoes' could just about be distinguished on the front.

"Very nice," she said. "But you're changing him. That would just be bizarre if I did it."

"Mm, well it would be a funny story to tell the grandchildren."

Lily punched him in the arm. "There will be no grandchildren, or children!"

"You should give him a chance, Lils."

"How about we have this discussion when the boy in question isn't two years old, alright?"

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Hope you liked it. And if you wouldn't mind just taking a sec and leaving me a little review! I'll update sooner if you do! haha thanks! xxx 


	4. A distinct lack of communication

**AN:** hello! i can't believe i'm actually updating again. This must be a record for me. I've written the next chapter and half of the sixth, but i won't post them for a few days obviously. I should have ridiculously important exams more often...they give me an excellent excuse to procrastinate and writing is very destressing. Thanks again to all my amazing reviewers! Enjoy! (Oo, and before i forget, in the prequel to this story, Earthworms..., i give some info on Remus, which you'll find out about in this chapter. sorry if you don't like it...i do.)

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"Lily?" Remus shook his friend softly by the shoulder. "Lils, wake up." 

Lily sat up with a start and rubbed her eyes blearily. She'd fallen asleep on the sofa in front of the crackling fire and had been dreaming of Deatheaters, smoke, and Lord Voldemort – his red eyes burning into her head.

"You ok?" Remus asked, handing her a glass of water which she gulped greedily.

"Just a bad dream. Where's James?"

"Sirius took him to St. Mungo's." Seeing the suddenly fearful look in Lily's eyes, he hurried on, "It's okay. James'll be okay. But Dumbledore thought it was better for the Healers to determine his exact age first then give him the aging potion."

"But he'll be fine?"

"Right back to normal," Remus said kindly, sitting on the couch beside her.

Smiling weekly, Lily said, "Shame. He was much more pleasant as a baby." Remus didn't reply, just gazed off into the fire, apparently lost in the clouds. Lily watched him for several long moments. "You have sad eyes."

"Sorry," Remus said. "I was miles away."

They sat in silence, enjoying the peace of each other's company. It wasn't often they got peace and quiet nowadays. Not with the war raging around them and the Deatheaters outnumbering the Order twenty to one. "Do you think we'll come out of this alive?"

Remus didn't say anything for a long time, but took Lily's hand in his and kneaded her fingers gently with his own. "I honestly don't know," he said finally, his voice very quiet.

"You're a comfort," Lily joked but her voice caught in her throat. She stood quickly, letting go of Remus' hand and crossed to the window, staring out at the dark sky, rain lashing the glass. Sighing, she pressed her forehead against the cool, hard surface, and closed her eyes tightly shut. She wanted to cry, but she just couldn't. The tears wouldn't come.

Feeling an arm slip gently around her waist, Lily turned and buried her face into Remus, heaving a dry sob, trying not to think of the events of the past few hours, or think about where James was, and if he was going to be ok.

"I feel dead inside," Lily whispered. She hated the cold, unfeeling person she'd become since Christmas…since her father had died. Mechanically working for the Order, doing assignments every day, not caring that every day she risked her life. She almost wanted to risk her life now. She'd become reckless…uncaring what happened to her.

"No, Lily," Remus replied, his voice equally as quiet. "Don't let the war take you. Not _you_." He kissed her head softly and stroked her hair.

Smiling into his chest, Lily remembered doing this for him before. The night Remus had told her he was a werewolf she'd sat up, letting him cry and letting him know she was always there for him. But this time it was different – she couldn't cry. It was like all her emotions had just dried up.

"James misses you, Lily. He needs you."

Lily pulled away from Remus and gazed out of the window again. Of course…Remus was _James'_ friend. Firstly, and fore mostly, he was a Marauder. "What am I supposed to tell him?" she asked with a humourless laugh. "That I think I'm cursed and my heart has shrivelled up and died and I can't feel anything anymore?"

Remus didn't say anything, just leaned on the back of the sofa, stretching his long legs out in front of him and inspecting a nasty gash on his forearm.

"I read somewhere that only eight percent of teenagers in Japan are happy. Do you think that's true?"

"Mm, maybe. It's probably the same everywhere. Or at least, people _think_ they're not happy. They always think there's something better out there."

"Or maybe we like pain," Lily muttered. "Maybe we keep hurting ourselves because it feels so good when we stop."

"Or maybe hurting ourselves feels good."

Lily grinned, feeling a bit of life return to her. "What, like the whole S&M thing? That's rather kinky of you Remus."

He blushed and laughed. "Alright then, why _don't_ you want to be happy, Lily? You know James will make you happy and the only reason you're so down all the time is because you're not with him."

Lily sat on the window-seat and pulled her knees up underneath her chin, her long red hair falling around her pale face. "I don't know. This is making my brain hurt. Let's talk about you. If you're so sure love makes you happy, why are you alone?"

"It's not as easy for me, Lils," Remus muttered, standing straight and shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

"That's only because you make it difficult. You just assume no one would want to be with you."

Remus shrugged then grinned. "Sirius offered me a flea collar yesterday. How was that supposed to make me feel?"

Lily tried to hide her smile behind a hand, but Remus noticed and laughed.

"Mm, trust Sirius. He knows how to get me worked up."

"You like him?"

"Of course I do," he said but then caught her eye and raised his eyebrows in surprise. "No! not like that. Of course not. He's my _friend_ that's all. Jesus…" he ran a hand through his light hair and turned away. Lily noticed he'd gone quite pale. Slowly she lowered her legs to the floor, then stood, her eyes never leaving his face.

"You do, don't you?" she repeated, very quietly.

He turned to face her. "No Lily, I don't. I honestly don't," but his eyes said something different. Something he wouldn't ever let himself say but needed someone to know.

Communication. Maybe that was the reason why only eight percent of people claimed to be happy. One of the first things humans learned to do in their lives was to speak, to communicate. But then they grew up, and learned words and really began speaking properly, but it was only then that things became harder to say and communication became fuzzy. It was only then, when communication was possible, that it became _im_possible, and it was harder to know what to say, or to ask for help when it was needed.

---

Lily felt distinctly nervous as she watched dawn approach. The sky turned from inky blank to dull grey, the light barely penetrating the thick fog surrounding the large house. Remus had gone up to bed a few hours before dawn, but Lily couldn't sleep. They hadn't yet got word from the Order, and she wasn't sure if everyone was ok. What if something had gone horribly wrong? What if she had caused someone's death…Sirius' maybe? Lily put down the book she'd been holding and put out the lamp she'd been reading by. She hadn't really been reading anyway; maybe one page in the last hour.

Footsteps outside the living room door made Lily jump to her feet, but it was only Remus. For once in her life, Lily wasn't pleased to see him. She'd hoped it was James walking through the door. But that revelation had to be pondered some other time, because Remus was beaming at her, and holding out a small scrap of parchment. She took it, noting vaguely that her hands were trembling, and read:

_Remus,_

_We're all ok. Managed to get Gulidenweed and he's being held at Azkaban. Had to take McKinnon to St. Mungo's as she got hit by a hex, but she's fine now. Ran into James down here as well. He looks a bit sheepish, but otherwise fine. Will be home soon._

_Sirius._

Lily felt a wave of relief rush over her and she sank into the nearest armchair, rubbing her face with shaky hands. So. They'd captured Guildenweed, and everyone was ok. Well…she'd got lucky, that was all. Nothing more than that.

"You did well, Lily," Remus said, crossing to the window and peering out.

"A lot of people could have died tonight."

"This is war. People can die all the time. And because of you, a dangerous Deatheater is now behind bars, and that's just saved a lot of lives."

Lily reluctantly smiled to herself. Her first dangerous mission was over. And everyone had survived.

"Ah," Remus said quietly, turning to face Lily and smiling. "They're back."

Lily heard the front door bang open and someone (who sounded a lot like Sirius) call, "Honey! I'm hooommmeee!"

She suddenly realised she didn't want to be there for the big emotional reunion. She didn't want to see anyone; just wanted to be alone. Feeling panicked, Lily reached out and grabbed Remus' arm.

"I'll be upstairs," she whispered hurriedly, feeling more like a coward than she had ever done before. What hurt the most was seeing the disappointment in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lily had already apparated, disappeared to one of the many upstairs bedrooms with a pop. He shook his head sadly, wishing he could make her better. But knowing that he could never do that…it had to be James. She had to accept James into her heart. But when would she? When would she finally wake up and see that she was ruining not only her life, but his as well?

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Ok well thanks for reading. Next chapter's quite fluffy once i get into it, but it's also quite long. Please review! they make me so happy! and give me incentive not to kill of the characters just yet :o) thanks! xxx 


	5. Learning to Swim

**AN:** thanks to all my lovely readers and expecially my reviewers. sorry if this chapter starts a little slow, but i love the ending...hopefully that didn't sound conceited? sorry! Enjoy:

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The door banged open and Sirius, James, and other various members of the Order of the Phoenix spilled into the dimly lit room, large grins on their faces. Remus pushed the thoughts of Lily to the back of his head and beamed happily at the triumphantly returning party. 

"Where's Pete?" Sirius asked, after slapping his friend heartily on the back.

"Went to see his Mother. Apparently she's not well again."

The two friends raised their eyebrows significantly at each other but said nothing. They were both in agreement that Peter should have never joined the Order. He was too cowardly to actually do anything. Whenever a mission came up in which his presence was requested, he invented some lame excuse about his sick mother and disappeared for a few days. Realistically, his mother should have been very dead by now.

Remus nodded to James as he ambled over, his eyes searching the crowded room. "When I agreed to be your friend, James, I never realised quite what I'd have to do for you."

James laughed and scratched the back of his head embarrassedly. "Y'know I'd do it for you, Moony," he joked then wrinkled his nose. "Actually, no I wouldn't."

Remus laughed as well. "Fair enough. It _was _fairly disgusting. I couldn't believe how a child so small could smell quite so much."

"Ok, enough," Sirius said, feeling slightly queasy at the thought of Remus changing James' nappy. "We never discuss this ever again, agreed?"

"Agreed," both boys said in unison, and laughed, as Sirius sauntered off, looking slightly green.

"Where's Lily?" James asked casually, studying a fingernail, and attempting a calm and collected look. "Dumbledore said she got back alright."

"She's upstairs somewhere."

"Right." James started for the door, but Remus grabbed his shoulder. "Prongs, she's…well, she's a bit…"

James just nodded. "I need to see her."

"Maybe Sarah and Eleanor should go up first?" Remus suggested, indicating Lily's two best friends, talking excitedly to Kingsley Shacklebolt while warming themselves by the fire.

"No," James said firmly. "I have as much right as they do to talk to her. More so, given last night."

Remus shrugged and watched James leave the room, hoping that he wouldn't be quite so..._James,_ when talking to her.

---

Lily stood in one of the numerous guest rooms on the Potter estate, commonly known as Godric's Hollow. James' great-great-great grandfather, or something like that, had been Godric, and apparently he'd built this place with his bare hands. Personally, Lily believed a wand and a few dozen house elves had helped considerably, but that made the story a fair bit less romantic.

Lily didn't exactly consider herself to be romantic. She tended to follow her head rather than her heart, and she was most certainly a pessimist. Well, that's what Sarah and Eleanor told her; Lily liked to believe she was more of a realist. Her reasoning was, if you didn't get your hopes up, then you wouldn't be disappointed. It didn't really seem to work though as she was disappointed rather a lot.

The fog outside was beginning to evaporate as the sun rose above the horizon, turning the sky a beautiful periwinkle blue. Lily hadn't seen a day like this in months, and it made her smile slightly. It seemed the Dementors had retreated for the time being. It wouldn't last long, but for now it was something.

For the first time, Lily realised that what she'd done had actually had an effect on the war. A noticeable effect. Did that mean she was a fighter now? A warrior?

It sounded stupid, but maybe it was true. As a fighter, there were so many things to know: she needed to know that she had what it took, that she wouldn't crack under pressure and that she could carry out tasks. Had to know how to take care of the people, other witches and wizards... and even how to take care of each other. And eventually she'd have to figure out how to take care of herself. She had to know all of these things if she was to be a true fighter…a true warrior. But as a human being…sometimes it was better to stay in the dark. because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope. Because this war was going to be long and bloody, and odds were, she wouldn't survive. She knew that. It was just simple mathematics: probability said she wouldn't survive. James wouldn't survive…Remus, Eleanor, Sarah, even Sirius…maybe it was best not to think about it.

She had to stop reasoning. Stop following her head all of the time, and once in a while, listen to her heart…be optimistic, have dreams and hopes. She had to stop thinking about death, because at least that way, she'd still have hope. Hope of survival.

Someone knocked on the door, and she would have been stupid not to expect it. She didn't answer, but heard the door creak slowly open anyway. She knew who it was without even turning around; James' presence could fill an entire room, and she knew it was him. She knew he'd walk over to her silently, wrap his arms around her and pretend everything was okay between them, and for once, she really didn't want that. So instead she turned around.

He'd crossed the room and was only a few paces behind her.

"You look old," she said, smiling weakly at him.

"Mm, I feel it. My joints hurt." They stood in silence for a few seconds as he took in her bizarre appearance. She was wearing his clothes: old, greying robes, a shirt which hung down to mid-thigh, and the material of his favourite boxers peeking out underneath. Her hair was mussed and tied back into a messy pony tail, a smudge of dirt crossed her forehead, and James could see some forgotten dried blood on her chin. Without thinking, he licked his thumb and wiped the blood off of her, then blushed as she grimaced and pulled away.

"I think I might try and get some sleep," Lily commented, diverting her eyes from his face and scratching her nose awkwardly.

"I might do the same," he said, also not looking at her. "My bedroom's just down the hall if you need anything."

"Thank you," Lily said quietly, then watched him as he left the room. She took off the robes and boxers and slipped under the heavy blankets of the large four poster, and waited for sleep to wash over her. It didn't come for a long time, and when she finally did drift off, she slept badly, barely dozing, and dreamt of cold red eyes and smoke.

---

Lily woke with a start. Late afternoon sun filtered in through the windows. Her head ringing, she wondered what had woken her, until she heard it again. Someone…screaming. She threw the covers off of her and leapt out of bed, wrenched the door open and streaked down the hallway. The scream came from behind a closed door at the end of the corridor and she pushed it open, fearing what lay behind it.

The room was darkened, the curtains pulled closed, and Lily could just about make out a large bed standing to her left. The moaning was certainly coming from that, and she didn't need her sight to know who was lying in it. Lily closed the door behind her and, without knowing why she did it, turned the key in the lock. She then crossed to the bed, quickening her step as the boy gave another guttural groan then cried out, thrashing under the covers.

She crawled nimbly onto the bed and slipped underneath the heavy blankets, pulling the tossing form of James to her, holding him like he was a child, his head pressed to her chest and her fingers entwined in his thick hair. Lily could feel his hot tears soaking into her shirt, and she hushed him softly, running a hand up and down his back, until he began to stir, and Lily could sense the sleep and dreams leave him.

"Shh," she muttered again as he struggled momentarily against her, then quietened and lay still, clinging desperately to her. "It was just a dream, it wasn't real."

"It felt real," he argued, attempting to push the grotesque images from his head.

"It's okay now," Lily said comfortingly, then, feeling daring, she added, "I'm fine."

He half-laughed, his face still pressed against her, and asked, "Who said I was dreaming about you?"

Lily just shrugged and gradually released him. "You always dream about me."

"True," James commented, pulling back from her and wiping his face clean of lingering tears. He sat up slowly, stretching his aching muscles. They hurt quite a bit: it wasn't fun, stretching and shrinking five times one's normal size.

"You're hurt," Lily noted, cautiously touching a gash on James' chest. Then a dull flush rose in her cheeks, as she realised he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, and she only his shirt and thin cotton knickers. It was almost ironic: she wondered if she'd left her boxers on, maybe now he wouldn't be wearing anything at all. Feeling dull, her mind working slowly, she shook her head to clear it.

James' finger underneath her chin brought her back to reality. He gently, yet forcefully, lifted her face to his, her eyes meeting hazel ones, and smiled at her.

"I want you." It wasn't exactly a request, nor a demand, more a simple statement requiring no answer. As she did not feel compelled to reply, Lily sat in silence, her eyes flicking back and forth between his. She wished he'd let go of her: she couldn't think when his skin touched hers. "What are you afraid of?"

This time Lily did feel compelled to speak. She felt indignation rise in her chest as she said, "I'm not afraid. And certainly not of you."

James shook his head causing his mussed hair to fall into his eyes. He pushed it back and smiled sadly at her. "That's not true. You are afraid. Why?"

Lily still said nothing, but wrenched her gaze away from his eyes. He had a way of pulling her in. Hypnotising her. And she didn't like it.

James sighed and moved closer to her on the bed, so their faces were barely a hair's width away. Lily could feel his sweet, hot breath on her face, and adamantly refused to look up into those intoxicating eyes of his. "I want to make you feel again."

Her head snapped up at these words, two pink spots of anger burning in her cheeks. "Who says I don't feel?"

"I can see it in your eyes," he replied with a small, sad shrug. "You're numb. And it kills me a little bit."

"I'm not numb, I'm…" she searched for the right words, feeling her throat burning. "I'm…cold…and uncaring…and…"

James placed his thumb over her lips and shook his head. "No," he breathed.

"I've become this shell of a person. I can't even remember how to feel, how to care, how to…to love."

"Then let me show you."

"No! You deserve better."

"I couldn't find better, even if I wanted it."

Lily was almost frantic now, gulping down sobs. "You deserve someone else, someone whole."

"_I want you_," James said, cupping her face in his hands, his nose almost touching hers, his eyes penetrating hers. "Stop denying the inevitable, Lily."

Denial. For so long, that had been her key to survival. Denying she was tired, denying she was afraid…and, of course, denying she was in denial. Only seeing what she wanted to see, only believing what she wanted to believe. She'd been lying to herself for so long, her lies had started to seem like the truth, and she'd lost touch with her true emotions. She'd lost touch with feelings and sensations. She was numb. She'd denied so much that she could no longer recognise the truth…the truth right in front of her face.

"Lils?"

And sometimes reality would jump out of nowhere. The dam would burst, and all she could do now was swim.

"You're crying, my tiger-lily."

After all, she could only lie to herself for so long. She _was _tired, she _was_ scared, and denying it didn't change the truth. It just covered it up. Sooner or later, she had to put aside her denial.

"Shh, Lily, it'll be okay now."

They had to face the world. Heads on. Wands blazing. The dam had broken, and an ocean flooded forward. And James was there, the only one to stop her from drowning in it.

Hot tears leaked out of the corners of those famous emerald eyes, spilled down pale cheeks, and splashed onto the bare shoulders of a boy who had promised to love her seven years ago, and had yet to break that promise.

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**AN: (IMPORTANT!)** hello, ok, so i actually have a fair bit more to this chapter which I've written, but the thing is, it's...erm..._definatley_ rated M. so, what I think I'm going to do is post it as another story, or maybe you could just send me a message and I'll email it to you. Please review and tell me what you'd prefer! If you don't want to read it, that's cool, it's just fluffy and nice, but has no plot details, so don't worry, you won't really miss out (on the story i mean; your life will be lacking from now on, but at least you'll understand the plot ;o) ). 

next chap should be up soon-ish, i've started writing it. Please please review and tell me what you think so far! next chapter will have a huuuuuuge surprise :o). hehe should be fun. anyway, thanks! xxx (oh and let me know if you prefer longer or shorter chapters please)


	6. A nasty surprise

**AN:** Hello! Ok, i posted the continuation of chapter 5 as a new story called, "Open your Eyes, Love". Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! I know most of you told me to just post it here, but I think i want to keep this story T! haha, anyway thanks so much for the reviews!! Hope you enjoy this chapter (It is longer! I took your advice!)

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Lily felt safe and warm. It seemed almost unusual to her, to feel so content when she knew war and terror continued to rage outside the grounds of the Potter estate. But for now, she didn't care. Time had stopped, and she was tucked safely into James arms, their bare skin pressed together, his lips resting on her hair, and their chests rising and falling in uniform motion. She'd been dozing on and off for the past hour, and no bad dreams had come to her. Only pleasant, beautiful images filling her head. 

The door handle turned, the rusty metal squeaking, then Lily heard a thud, and a muffled cry of, "ow," as someone tried to push the door open, not realising it was locked.

James groaned in his sleepy state, his arms tightening around Lily. "Bugger off," he called.

"Why's the door locked?"

Typical, Lily thought. Of course it would be Sirius, coming to check up on his best mate.

"To keep you out," James called back, unwillingly disentangling himself from Lily, planting a soft kiss on her nose, and crawling out of bed. With a small smile on her face, Lily watched him as he dressed, his muscles rippling in the dim light.

"Stop ogling," he said, grinning at her. She grinned back, then closed her eyes, burying further beneath the warm blankets.

"Tell him to go away, then come back to bed," Lily said, stretching her legs out and yawning. She heard the door open.

"Go away or I'll hex you."

Lily chuckled to herself. He really had a way with words that one.

"James, there's a problem."

"What's happened?" James demanded, his voice now frantic and worried. Lily sat up, suddenly very awake, clutching the blankets around her neck.

"No, calm down, it's nothing to do with the war. It's…" Sirius shot Lily a sideways glance and looked distinctly awkward. "It's just…well, you'd better come downstairs."

"I'll be right back up," James said to Lily, and left, closing the door behind him.

Lily scowled at the door. Swinging her legs out of the bed, she grabbed her wand off of the bedside table, pointed it at a discarded shirt on the floor, and skilfully transfigured it into a summery dress – the sort of dress she was definitely feeling in the mood for. Maybe later in the day, she and James could go for a walk around the lake, take a dip in it even, then lay in the sun, kissing until the air turned chilly and the clear sky turned pink, as the sun slid over the horizon.

She slipped the dress over her head, put her wand in the pocket and let herself out of James' room, determined to find out what was so important that Sirius had to pull James away from her so early in the morning. As she descended the grand staircase, she saw Remus leaning against the wall just outside the living room, reading the Daily Prophet and frowning.

"'Morning. How are you feeling?" he asked, looking up as she passed him.

"Alright," she replied with a shrug, then indicated the closed door. "What's going on in there?"

Remus just shrugged and shifted his weight to the other foot. "Nothing important. Why don't you go and get some breakfast…"

"Remus," Lily began dangerously, her green eyes flashing. "What is going on in there?"

"It's nothing, Lils. Honestly. Just…erm…a little problem, but I'm sure James will sort it all out."

"I'm going in."

"That's really not a good idea, Lily!" Remus exclaimed, but it was too late: Lily was already pushing open the door.

Nothing too terrible met her eyes at first. Lily had almost been expecting some sort of horrific monster to jump out at her, but there was nothing like that. The room was filled with early morning sunshine, illuminating the dusty bookshelves and faces of the three people in the room.

James stood by the unlit fireplace, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and a frown etched clearly onto his face. He was biting his lip in the way he always did when he was trying to figure something out. Sirius stood a little behind him, looking as though he was on the verge of saying something. His dark hair had fallen into his eyes, and he pushed it back in irritation, his eyes flicking between James and the third person in the room, who was occupying the large armchair by the fireplace.

She was tall, thin, and extremely pretty, with long blonde hair, a fine nose, turned up daintily at the end, pale flawless skin, and light grey eyes, which were gazing worriedly at James. Her loose fitting robes were a light blue and didn't quite conceal the bulge of her fairly pregnant belly.

No one but Sirius noticed Lily's quiet entrance, but his eyes immediately darkened and a worried crease formed between his brows. Remus had followed Lily inside, and he now rested a gentle hand on her shoulder, as if to calm her.

"Well?" the blonde lady inquired of James, in a soft, slightly foreign accent that Lily couldn't quite pick up from the monosyllabic word.

James just rubbed a hand over his tired face and finally turned to look at her. As he did, he caught a glimpse of Lily and his mouth fell open slightly, a forlorn look in his eyes.

Lily's stomach churned. "James," she said very quietly. "What's going on?"

He cleared his throat and swallowed, then nodded at the blonde woman. "Lily, this is Sally…someone I met when…when I was in Sydney last year."

The colour drained from Lily's face, and she vaguely felt Remus' hand squeeze her shoulder in support. She'd heard about a girl that he'd met in Sydney…a girl who he'd barely known, but had hooked up with in a desperate attempt to forget about Lily and move on. But, that had been a year ago. And James had told her it meant nothing, that she had meant nothing to him. That he loved _her_, Lily. But this girl…she was, well, she was beautiful, and she looked so _right_, sitting there beside James. Two tall, beautiful people, arrogance in both their eyes. They looked like they belonged together…and her pregnant tummy did nothing to refute this.

_Stop panicking_, Lily told herself sternly. _Don't jump to conclusions_. But her mind _was_ jumping to conclusions. She couldn't help it; that was what she did – automatically assume the worst.

"But…why is she _here_?"

"I'm here," the young woman named Sally replied softly, in a now obvious Australian accent, "because James needs to take responsibility for his actions."

Lily's eyes travelled down to the pregnant bump, back to Sarah's face, then to James' worried and upset expression. Then her stomach churned again, and, raising a hand to her mouth, Lily turned and left the room at a run, not saying a word to anyone.

---

Sarah and Eleanor found her under a large tree on the sprawling grounds of Godric's Hollow, chewing on a fingernail and gazing up at the peaceful blue sky.

"We come bearing food," Sarah said, plopping herself down besides Lily and pulling her best friend's feet into her lap.

"Chocolate to be more specific," Eleanor said, sitting on Lily's other side, and chucking a large bar of Honeyduke's best into Lily's lap.

"I didn't stay to hear anyone's story," Lily admitted, ripping into the wrapper of the chocolate bar. "I just ran out of the room. I could have jumped to the wrong conclusion."

When neither of her friends replied, Lily took this to mean she hadn't jumped to the wrong conclusion. Angrily, she broke off a large piece of chocolate and shoved it unceremoniously into her mouth.

"What does this mean?" Lily asked around a mouthful of chocolate. "She's going to want him to help raise the baby? Marry him? I mean, what, are they seeing each other? Does she live in England? _Is_ she going to live here? When was the last time they saw each other? I thought it was last summer! I thought it was a one time thing!"

Sarah and Eleanor raised their eyebrows at each other. This was very un-Lily-like. Usually Lily sulked. Or fell into deep depressions and shut out the entire world.

Hysterical anger was not a typical reaction.

"Lily, calm down. We don't know much more than you."

"I _slept_ with him!" Lily wailed. "I decided to _be_ with him, that we're _meant to be togther_!! Isn't that what everyone keeps telling me?"

"You slept with James?" Sarah asked. "Again, seriously? When? Last night?"

Eleanor glared at Sarah before she started asking how good the sex had been. That would be very un-comforting.

"Why? Why does this have to happen to me? It's karma, isn't it? Karma is biting me in the ass, because I refused to accept the good thing when it was offered. So when I finally got around to accepting the fact that James is the one for me, it's too late. He's going to have a kid with another girl!"

Sarah rubbed Lily's feet soothingly, letting her rant. She needed to. She needed to yell and scream at the world a bit; to let out some of her frustration.

Eleanor raised an eyebrow at Sarah, who just shrugged back and mouthed, _it hasn't sunk in_. It would in a minute though, and they would either be left dealing with an angsty, screw-the-world,-I'm-going-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-die-Lily, or a sobbing mess. Neither girl was too sure which was preferable, either.

"I told myself I shouldn't love anyone. I _knew_ I shouldn't. But I did it anyway. I stopped listening to my head, for once in my life. I knew the consequences, I knew this was going to happen!" Lily seemed to be talking more to herself than Sarah or Eleanor now. She broke off another piece of chocolate and sucked thoughtfully on it. "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to. But everyone I ever loved broke my heart. I _knew_ not to do it again. You'd think by now I would have learnt my lesson. The people I love always break my heart."

It appeared that the two friends would have to deal with angsty-Lily. Not much fun. They'd almost prefer a sobbing, hysterical mess. In many ways, it was much easier to deal with.

-

"Should we let her sleep?" Eleanor asked, still sitting on the grass under the large oak, shivering in the now chilly wind.

"I don't know," Sarah sighed, staring up at the sky, which was almost completely covered with heavy grey clouds. "Maybe we should go back inside. It's been almost an hour, maybe she's ready to face him now."

"Someone's coming," Lily muttered, apparently not quite as asleep as her two friends thought. It was true; a tall someone was making his way over to them from the large manor. "Uh, I'm really not ready to face James."

"Well, it's not James," Eleanor said, squinting at the boy who was walking towards them.

"I don't want to talk to Remus either."

"That's not Remus," Sarah said. "He's too tall for Remus."

"It's Sirius!" Eleanor said in surprise. "What on earth could he want?"

Neither friend replied, and each waited, perplexed as Sirius slowly made his way over to them. He stopped a few yards away from the three girls and shoved his hands deep in his jeans pockets. His thin face looked worried and his dark hair fell into his brooding eyes.

"Lily, I really need to talk to you."

"Well, she doesn't want to talk," Sarah spoke for her, her voice icy. "Why don't you run back up to the house, tell Potter to grow a pair, and get _him_ to talk to Lily."

Sirius ignored her. "We should really talk…_in private_."

"No," Lily replied. "Anything you need to say, you can say in front of them."

"Fine," Sirius consented grumpily, a frown creasing his brow. "I think that you need to get off of your high horse and realise the bloke made a mistake. Why do you have to make everything so bloody hard for him? He didn't ask for this to happen."

"_I'm_ making this hard?" Lily spluttered. "He SLEPT with another girl. I didn't even mention it to him when it happened over the summer but this was recentl-"

"You weren't going out with him," Sirius stated simply, spreading his hands. "He had no obligation towards you. He was just a single bloke giving in to his emotions and you need to cut him some slack. You were ignoring him, Lily. He thought it was completely over between the two of you. Technically, the guy did nothing wrong. So maybe you need to talk to him before you start jumping to conclusions."

Lily didn't know what to say. Besides feeling upset and angry, she now felt a little embarrassed as well. "I'll meet you two at the house in a minute," she muttered quietly.

Sarah and Eleanor left, and Sirius sat himself down, heaving a great sigh as though talking to Lily was painful.

"So," Lily began slowly, feeling distinctly awkward. "She's pregnant."

"And apparently it's James', yeah," Sirius muttered back, picking at the grass.

"Apparently?"

"Well, James believes her. But he's always been too trusting of people."

"I didn't realise they were still in touch," Lily said quietly, pulling her knees up under her chin. "I thought they met once, last summer, and then that was it."

Sirius scratched his nose. "Well, it was a one time thing. James came back here and forgot all about her. He was totally in love with you, and he thought you loved him back." He paused. It sounded so strange to here Sirius, the boy who went through girls as quickly as he went through socks, talk about love. "Then she came back to visit over Christmas. I think James went to see her. But I know nothing happened between them. He showed her around London and probably spent the entire day talking about you. Anyway, she went home, he went back to school, and suddenly he had no girl, seeing as you decided that you wanted nothing to do with him."

"That's not fair, you don't underst-"

"I don't need to understand," Sirius said bitterly as he yanked violently at a dandelion and tore its yellow head off. "You have no idea, do you? No idea what he went through…what _I_ went through! You…you _broke_ him, Lily. So when Sally came back during the Easter holidays, he had every right to sleep with her. And you have _no _right to be angry with him. Don't Lily, don't leave him again, because I honestly don't think he'd survive it."

Sirius got to his feet and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Digging around in his pocket, he pulled out a handkerchief and gave it to Lily, before heading back up to the house. Lily brushed angrily at the tears sliding down her face, then buried her face into her knees.

When did this happen? When did she become this person? Life would have been so much easier if James had never fallen in love with her. Yes, maybe it would have been easier, but Lily couldn't imagine, didn't _want_ to imagine, a life without James.

It was time to stop. Stop treating James with indifference, stop feeling sorry for herself. She needed to start living again.

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**AN:** Thanks for reading! Please review! 


	7. Losing Ground

**AN:** hello. thankyou to all my reviewers. you guys rock! to **mnz**: i hope james isn't too un-likeable, you're supposed to still love him! don't judge him too harshly, remember, there are two sides to every story! **lost.between.pen.and.paper**: i made this chapter longer! **james-s2-lily**: Yes they do! and james doesn't seem the type to forget that does he...hmm...haha, a little hint there!! anyway, hope you all enjoy this chapter!

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The sky looked like rain. Low dark clouds hung ominously above, threatening to break at any moment. Lily knew she had to go back up to the manor at some point, but that would also involve talking to James, and Lily was afraid of that conversation. What if he didn't chose her? 

Feeling thoroughly sick of useless "what if"s, Lily brushed the grass off of her knees and got to her feet, wishing she'd transfigured James' shirt into something warmer than a sundress. The air was chilly, and the wind had picked up, whipping her hair around her face.

A storm was on its way.

As Lily made her slow way back up to the house, she wondered when Dumbledore would pay them another visit. It had been two days now since her mission, although it was hard to believe it. Besides receiving the owl that Guildenweed was going on trial next week, Dumbledore had not otherwise tried to contact her. Maybe he was angry? Another "what if" of sorts.

Heaving a great sigh, Lily pushed open the door that led into the large, cosy kitchen, and was glad to see a fire crackling happily in the hearth. It was the person sitting in the chair by the fire that made Lily wish she'd returned through the front door.

Sally looked up as Lily came in and smiled awkwardly at her. "I just made tea, if you'd like some."

"Thank you," Lily said quietly, accepting the offered cup and sitting cautiously at the scrubbed kitchen table.

"So you're Lily," Sally said quietly, raising her cup to her full red lips and sipping daintily.

Lily said nothing, not too sure what Sally meant.

Smiling, Sally looked down at her lap, her perfectly straight, pearly white teeth glinting maliciously in the light of the fire. How was it possible that she was so perfect-looking? Even her _gums_ were pretty, and Lily had never really found anyone's gums to be pretty before. "You're probably wondering what happened between James and me."

Still, Lily said nothing, but she bristled at Sally's words. The way she said, "James and me". It just sounded so…_right_ coming from her mouth.

"I wish I could say it was nothing," Sally said quietly, tucking a strand of long hair behind her ear and biting her lip. "Last summer, when we met…we just _clicked_, you know? Sorry…I shouldn't be saying this to you. You and James have a thing, right?"

Lily nodded her head stiffly. Who _was_ this bitch?

"Anyway," Sally said, smiling and leaning back in her chair. "It's so nice being back here. I really do love this manor, it's starting to feel almost like a second home to me. It looks so beautiful at Christmas too. Have you ever been here for Christmas?"

"No," Lily replied tersely, her head now swimming. Sally had stayed _here_ last Christmas?

"Oh well, it's really beautiful. I stayed for _ages_ last winter! I just couldn't leave!" she laughed daintily, and crossed her to-die-for legs. "I wish I could've come back during Easter, but I stayed in London instead. In the Three Broomsticks with James. It's a nice little pub isn't it? Very quaint. I wish we had more of those in Sydney. Have you ever been to Australia?"

Lily shook her head again, sure that her face must have been the same colour as her hair by now. Her fingers were gripping the mug so hard, her knuckles were white. What, had James spent every second of his free time with this girl? Sure, maybe they hadn't exactly been an item over Easter, but before Christmas, Lily and James had had a very definite _thing_.

"I'm going to go and change," Lily said quietly, almost knocking over her full cup as she stood hurriedly.

"Oh, ok. Well, it's so nice to meet you!"

"You too," Lily muttered through clenched teeth, secretly wishing they'd never met. If this girl wanted to fight, then Lily would fight, claws out, teeth bared.

There was more than one war raging in the Wizarding world, and Lily was determined to win.

---

"She's a bitch!" Lily yelled, pacing the bedroom. "Even by your standards Sarah."

"Thanks," Sarah replied coolly from her place on the bed in one of the numerous guestrooms as she flicked through a Witch Weekly.

"And James! Did you know that he's seen her every holiday over the past year? And not just seen her, he's actually spent each _entire_ holiday with her!"

"Or so she says," Sarah muttered, barely glancing up at her fuming friend.

"And she didn't even _mention_ the pregnancy. She's probably saving that bit up for later, because seriously, how am I supposed to win against that? She's carrying _James'_ child!"

"Well, she seemed quite nice when I talked to her. Maybe if you gave her…a…" Sarah petered off as she caught the look on Lily's face. "You're right. She's a total bitch," she said quickly, sitting up and facing her friend. "Ok, so what's the plan? How do we destroy her?"

"Well, whatever we do, we'll have to do it gently," Eleanor said, speaking for the first time from her chair by the window. "She _is_ pregnant after all."

"Alright," Sarah said determinedly, rubbing her hands together in a way that made Lily slightly nervous. "James is out wandering the grounds looking for you, Lily, so that should give us an hour at least. First of all, we cut holes in the chests of all her tee-shirts."

"We're not in 3rd-year anymore, Sarah," Lily said, smiling despite herself at the memory of doing this to one of their more irritating dorm-mates. Sarah had taken the blame for it, and received detentions for a week.

"Alright, how about we give her some of that amazing hair potion of yours?"

Lily smiled again, remembering the mixture of tree-sap and honey that they had given to the same classmate in fifth-year.

"It's still not enough," Eleanor said thoughtfully, sucking on the end of her quill, midway through a sentence in a long-winded letter to her parents up in Scotland. "Maybe we shouldn't be destroying _her_ looks, but improving Lily's."

Lily frowned. "What's wrong with _me_?"

"Nothing," Eleanor said quickly, just as Sarah coughed something that sounded distinctly like, "frumpy."

Glaring at her friend, Lily shook her head. "There's no _way_ I'm letting you get near me, Sarah. Last time you dressed me, I got picked up as a prostitute."

"Fine," Sarah said, turning back to her magazine. "Watch James and Sally live happily ever after raising their beautiful little baby while you marry Remus and never have sex again for the rest of your life."

Lily frowned and bit her lip. "Fine," she said at last. "But please don't make me look like a hooker, Sarah."

Sarah smiled and was just about to reach for her trusty make-up bag, when the door banged open, and James fell into the room, panting hard.

"James," Sarah exclaimed in surprise. "Wha-"

"Grab your wands and hurry, the Deatheaters have taken St. Mungo's."

---

The scene downstairs was not a pretty one. The entire Order, or so it seemed, was running around, bandages and potions piled precariously in their arms. Healers and patients were scattered throughout the entrance hall, various living rooms, and the large dining room. Lily reached out and grabbed Sarah's hand for support.

Sarah squeezed comfortingly, but her face was equally pale and scared. "What are we going to do now?" she whispered, looking much younger than she usually did.

Lily just shook her head in response. Rolling up the sleeves of her jumper, she drew her wand and headed over to an elderly wizard who lay on a collapsible cot, bleeding profusely from the head.

"What happened?" Lily asked him, pressing a clean bandage to his head in an attempt to stem the flow of blood.

He opened his eyes tiredly and replied, "You-know-who's followers. They got me in the head."

"How did you get out?" Lily pressed him.

He shrugged wearily and let his eyes fall closed again. There was so much noise around her, people yelling, running to help, demands for potions, and calls for Healers. Lily wished she could pause time for just a second to collect her thoughts but there wasn't time for that.

Instead, she grabbed Remus' arm as he hurried past her.

"What's going on?" she asked frantically, pressing the bandage harder against the man's head.

"Voldemort and his Deatheaters took control of St. Mungo's. The Order got there just in time to get out half of the patients, but we only have a few healers."

"Why is everyone in such bad shape?" Lily asked, gazing around at the numerous battle-worn patients.

"The Deatheaters didn't take St. Mungo's nicely." He paused, his dark eyes angry and worried. "There are even more dead."

Lily swore quietly under her breath. "And no one's there still fighting?"

"There's no point. The Order's outnumbered."

"And how many…how many of the Order died?"

Remus just smiled sadly at her and gripped her shoulder in support. "Think brave, Lily."

Lily let out a small sob and turned back to her quickly dying patient. Pulling out her wand, she muttered a blood-replenishing spell, not even sure if it would work – it wasn't like she had any medical training. At least the bleeding seemed to be slowing a bit. Removing the bandage, Lily balked at the deep gash running from behind his ear up across the top of his head, and curving down, ending at his eyebrow. Letting out a small sob, she pressed the bandage back down to his head.

"Has anyone got water?" she called out, hoping someone would hear.

Only moments later, a heavy goblet was pressed into her hand. Carefully, she raised the old man up and pressed the rim to his dry lips. "Drink," she said softly.

"What's wrong with him?"

Lily looked up at the familiar voice to see James peering down worriedly at the old man, another goblet of water in his other hand. "Gash to the head," Lily replied, pulling back the bandages and showing James the deep cut.

"I don't know how to mend wounds," James admitted.

"Me either." Lily chewed on her lip. They had to get this wound closed, or he'd die. "We could always sew it."

James just raised an eyebrow at her, but said nothing.

"Muggles do it."

"Well, if you think it'll work."

"I'll need a needle and some thread."

James just nodded and was gone in a second.

"I don't like the sound of that," Lily's patient muttered weakly. "Sewing my head back together. I'm old, go and take care of someone else."

"I'm not going anywhere," Lily replied. "Just lie back and close your eyes."

Only seconds later, James pressed the needle and thread into Lily's hand and positioned himself behind the old man's head.

"His hair," Lily muttered and was surprised to see James smile.

"I learnt that spell in second year," he said, raising his wand and muttering, "Abeo Saeta." The man was instantly bald, his head streaked with thick, dark blood, revealing just how serious the wound was.

"There could be internal damage," Lily said, worriedly, her hands shaking.

"Do it, Lils," James said, covering her shaking hand with his large one and squeezing comfortingly.

She nodded, trying to calm herself down. She let out a little sob of relief when she saw the needle had already been threaded. "Well, here goes," she whispered, pushing the needle into the skin. Her patient moaned deeply, but seemed to only be semi-conscious.

The first stitch was probably the hardest. Fighting nausea, Lily carefully stitched the entire wound, finishing at the old man's wispy white eyebrows. Finally, she tied off the stitches neatly, exactly as her grandmother had taught her as a child, and rocked backwards onto her heels, sobbing in relief.

She grabbed James and buried her face into his chest, and wrapped her arms tightly around him, completely forgetting that a few hours ago she had been furious with him.

"You did well," James said, comfortingly, squeezing her back. "Anyone would have thought you'd done that before."

Lily just shrugged and wiped her nose on what was probably a very expensive sweater, letting her tears fall freely.

"Come on, you need to eat," James said, pulling her to her feet. "You've been with him for hours."

"Have I really?" Lily asked blearily, letting James lead her to the kitchen. She felt slightly light-headed. "I can still help though, there are so many people who still need help."

"You've done enough for now."

Only when Lily was sitting at the kitchen table, a large sandwich and goblet of pumpkin juice in front of her, did she begin to feel slightly more human. She'd washed her hands and arms free of blood, and taken off the stained sweater of Sarah's she had been wearing.

James sat across from her, picking half-heartedly at his own sandwich and nibbling on the edge of a crisp. "Lily…about Sally…"

"Now's really not the time," Lily said quickly, not wanting to discuss the pregnancy or his and Sally's relationship.

"There'll never be a good time, Lily. You have to understand –"

"James, please!" Lily shot angrily, meeting his eyes for the first time. "What ever you two had…it's got nothing to do with me."

James just looked at her perplexed. "Of course it does, it has everything to do with you. And besides, we didn't have any-"

But he was interrupted by Sirius rushing into the room. "Dumbledore's here."

Lily and James got to their feet and hurriedly followed Sirius out of the room.

---

She was lost in a dark sea, struggling to break through the surface, hating the silence and oppressive feeling of the dry water pressing down on her from all sides.

Strong arms enveloped her gently, barely penetrating her dreams, rocking her gently, mimicking the motion of the fantasy ocean, smothering and drowning her. Sub-consciously, she felt her body tucked under a warm duvet, her skin sliding between cool sheets, and she slept on, the water turning to blood – the blood of hundreds of dying people she couldn't save, all screaming the same name…crying for her to wake up and fight the ocean she could not escape from.

---

"Well?" James croaked, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion and flopping into a large armchair.

Dumbledore paced in front of the crackling hearth, his light blue eyes worried and lacking their characteristic twinkle.

"The ministry should have been better prepared," Sirius said angrily, ripping at a hangnail on his thumb. "It should not have been up to the Order to protect a Ministry established institution."

"Voldemort has captured the majority of the Healers," Remus said quietly, his dark eyes following the Headmaster's pacing. "Does this mean he is planning another attack? When we are at our weakest?"

"I'm afraid it does," Dumbledore said quietly, crossing to the window and gazing out at dark stormy sky. "James, if everyone could stay here a little longer. I have warded and protected this place to the best of my ability, and everyone is safe here…for now anyway."

"Of course," James nodded. "This can be the temporary hospital for as long as is needed."

"Those needing intense care have already been transported to Hogwarts and are currently under the care of Poppy Pomfrey. And we'll begin transporting some of the other patients up to St. Aloysius' in Scotland, tomorrow. But I fear a battle is approaching, and we're going to need all the Healers we have."

"Is there anyway we can retrieve some of the Healers Lord Voldemort took?" Sirius asked.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Not now. Our numbers are too few. We lost some important witches and wizards tonight."

"And the Ministry? The Aurors?" James began, trying to come up with a solution. "Surely there must be some way."

"If there is, I have yet to see it. At the moment, we must focus our efforts on regrouping and gaining strength before the inevitable battle, which Lord Voldemort is sure to be planning."

James stared moodily into the fire, trying to organize his thoughts, but it was too hard. Too much was happening too quickly, and one problem just seemed to be running into another. It seemed impossible that just 24 hours ago, he'd been up in his bedroom with Lily, completely oblivious to all other people. And now…well now he had been thrown violently back into the world…and he didn't like it.

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Thanks for reading. Please review! they make me happy. and unhappy authors kill of main characters...seriously... 

xxx


	8. Snost and lost

**AN: **sorry guys, shortest update ever. sorry it took ages as well. anyway im off on holiday for 6 weeks, which is why im updating: thought i should give u something. i promise i'll give u a good update as soon as i get back. also, i havent proofread this so yea, just let me know if u find any mistakes. thanks! xxx

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'You snooze, you lose

Well I have snost and lost

I'm pushing through

I'll disregard the cost

I hear the bells

So fascinating and

I'll slug it out

I'm sick of waiting'

The lyrics reverberated around Lily's head, over and over, in a mindless mantra until she wanted to scream. But she didn't. Instead, she hummed quietly to herself, almost oblivious to the early morning sunshine streaming through the window, and the distinguishable sounds of a waking household getting ready for the day.

She'd slept soundly through the entire night, and with a frown, Lily realised she had no idea what day it was. The last week had been a mixture of whirlwind emotions, drastic events, and sleep.

Well, she was sick of sleeping. Sick of letting things happen. Lily wanted some control back in her life…she wanted structure, and to know what would happen tomorrow. She hated all this guessing and waiting.

Throwing off the bed clothes, Lily swung her legs out of bed and crossed to the full length mirror, inspecting her reflection.

It could have been worse.

But not by much.

Wincing, Lily dragged a brush through her red locks, then attempted cover up the dark bags under her eyes with a bit of Sarah's concealer. It didn't really work. The purple skin was now simply streaked orange.

With a sigh, Lily wiped her face and then washed it, using the basin of water left on the nightstand. Rummaging through Sarah's suitcase, she dragged out a pair of old, frayed jeans and a ratty grey t-shirt that Lily recognized as her own. She pulled the clothes on, and without another glance in the mirror, left the room, closing the door with a snap behind her.

The hall was much less crowded than it had been last night, with only a few patients still lying in their individual cots. The old man with the head injury was nowhere in sight, and Lily assumed he had been moved to another hospital, or perhaps, sent home?

The centre of action seemed to be the kitchen, and Lily entered to be met by a crowd of people, all standing or sitting around the large scrubbed table, munching on toast or sipping strong coffee.

Lily recognized many faces from the Order of the Phoenix, but also noticed that many were missing too. Peter Pettigrew was surprisingly there, nibbling on a piece of bacon and looking a bit nervous. Sirius, James, and Remus were all standing around him, and Remus had the Daily Prophet open, his nose buried in it. Moving photographs of a burning St. Mungo's glared up at her from the front cover.

"Well of course the Muggles noticed!"

"They'd be blind not to."

"The whole place was ablaze."

"Dumbledore was down there, trying to help repair some of the damage."

"The Ministry had to perform mass Memory Charms."

"Well I'm hardly surprised!"

"They're still going through the wreckage."

"And they're still finding bodies."

Lily tried to block out the conversation coming at her from all sides, and instead sidled over to the coffee pot and poured herself a large cup. Maybe she could sneak outside unnoticed…

Weaving her way across the room, Lily had almost made it to the open door, when she felt a hand on her elbow.

It was James, holding out a buttered piece of toast. Surveying it shrewdly, Lily didn't take it.

"It's just toast, Lils," he said quietly.

Lily took it gingerly from him, wanting to take his hand as well, feel his skin on hers. But she didn't…just nodded her thanks, and looked down at her feet.

"What do we do now?" a middle-aged witch named Emmaline Vance asked, looking towards the younger boys for leadership.

"Today we prepare," Sirius said. "Dumbledore has a shrewd idea of what Voldemort is planning."

"And Dumbledore's shrewd ideas are often right," a few people said together.

Sirius stood, crossed to a cupboard and tapped the dark wood with his wand, before opening it and taking out an armful of large scrolls. He laid them on the table and, with James and Remus' help, unrolled them.

"What are they?" Elphias Doge asked, twisting his mauve beret in chubby hands.

"These," Sirius began, pausing for emphasis, which Lily found quite unnecessary, "are blueprints for the Prime Minister's house, and…" He paused again, and looked around at the wide-eyed crowd.

"Get on with it, Sirius," Remus interjected, pulling one of the maps towards him.

"And these are the maps for Buckingham Palace."

A small silence filled the room after these words.

"Wait," Sarah began, flicking her hair casually over her shoulder. "The Prime Minister's house I can understand. But, Buckingham Palace?"

James shrugged. "Lord Voldemort's goal is to stir up fear. If he kills the two most predominant figures in muggle England the muggles are going to get a bit antsy."

"To put it lightly," Remus interjected.

---

"So, you're at war?"

James looked up from his book to find Sally standing over him in the otherwise empty library. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not stupid. You've all been planning something."

"It's top secret," James replied, turning back to his book.

"Well, I'm not interested in that sort of thing, anyway."

"Good," James murmured, frowning at the open pages and jotting down a note on a piece of parchment.

Sally sighed and ran a hand through her long, silky hair, so the sun caught the golden streaks, and James looked up.

"Do you need something?"

"Why are you being so unkind?" Sally asked, looking hurt and taking a step backwards. Her light grey eyes began to fill with tears.

James sighed and put down his quill. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. It's just…stress, or something."

Walking around the table to stand behind him, Sally peered over his shoulder. "That doesn't look like a fun read," she commented.

James smiled. "No, it's not."

Resting manicured hands on James' shoulders, she gently massaged his tight muscles. "You're tense," she whispered.

"Sally," James said, equally as quietly, taking her hands gently and lifting them off of his shoulders. "Why are you here?"

She took a step backwards, looking affronted. "I came to find you...to see what you were up to."

Running a hand through his hair, James chose his next words carefully. "Listen, Sal. We had a one night stand. I was drunk and upset…it shouldn't have happened."

"That's what you said the time before, as well," Sally said coldly, sitting on the table's edge beside him, forcing him to look up at her. "But you came back to me again, James."

"Well, not anymore. I'm with Lily. I _love_ her."

Sally sneered cruelly. "Lily? The girl who uses you then puts you aside whenever she feels like it? The girl who has never once fought to save your relationship? James, do you actually believe she's going to stick through this with you? Trust me, she's going to run."

James stood up suddenly, the chair legs scraping noisily on the wooden floor. "I want a paternity test," he said quietly, then grabbed his book and parchment and left the room, closing the door with a bang.

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thanks so much. cy'all when i get back! xoxo (please review!!) 


	9. A Plan

**AN: **Hello!! Been awhile! Ok well here's the next chapter, sorry for the long wait. should be more up soon. oh and i've started another story about how lily and james get together after i read book 7 ( iquite liked the whole lilysnape thing!), so yea, i quite like it, so go read that too! haha. Anyway, hope you enjoy. Thanks to all my amazing reviewers and readers who have been so patient!

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Lily sat at the large, scrubbed wooden table in James' kitchen, feeling strangely numb. She sat very still, picking half-heartedly at a cucumber sandwich as witches and wizards rushed around her, disappearing and reappearing with deafening cracks, adding to the cacophony of loud voices. She'd spent the morning brushing up on defensive spells and counter curses and now sat, feeling oddly peaceful, as people milled around her, calling out information, orders, and swearing. 

"He'll be attacking the Natural History Museum as well, tonight. The Muggles are celebrating the opening of a new wing. It'll be packed! Dumbledore, you must see this is a distraction!"

"A distraction it may be," Dumbledore said calmly. "But the fact still remains that there will be deaths tonight."

"Be reasonable," boomed another voice. "The Order is stretched as it is. Surely the death of two Muggles is preferable to the death of hundreds. We should abandon our defences here and focus on the Museum!"

A clamour of voices agreed with him. Dumbledore patiently let them finish then spoke. "And if we do that, Lord Voldemort wins."

"He wins either way," growled Sirius, looking up from a pile of parchments he had been scanning quickly with brooding eyes.

"We must defend both places," Lily heard herself say. "We have an obligation to the people. _No_ deaths tonight would be preferable."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Sturgis Podmore asked squeakily, twisting his beret nervously.

Lily considered him for a moment, trying to block out other voices and ignore the numerous eyes on her. "The Magical Law Enforcement squad, Aurors, and other Ministry operated groups should go to the Natural History Museum, along with most of the Order. Voldemort believes his attack on the Prime Minister and Queen are confidential, and if the Order turns up at the Museum, he won't be expecting any resistance at Buckingham Palace or Downing Street. A select few will guard them…hopefully the element of surprise will be enough. And anyway, if Voldemort believes they're unguarded, he won't send fifty Deatheaters to kill them, will he?" Lily fell silent, and Dumbledore considered her. Finally, he inclined his head.

"If there are no objections?" he asked the room quietly.

At least five voices raised in objection, but, as Dumbledore pointed out, they didn't have a better plan.

Lily sipped her cup of tea and let the voices wash over her again, this time arguing over who would be sent to the Museum and who would guard the two important Muggles.

"Hagrid, we'll need you at the Museum. They might employ the use of giants."

There was a crack and Mad-Eye Moody appeared, appearing harried and breathless. "Minister wants me at the Museum now," he barked. "We Aurors need to set up our positions."

With multiple cracks, he and other Aurors in the Order disapparated, leaving the kitchen only slightly less noisy than before.

"James, Sirius," Dumbledore addressed the two boys. "I want you two at the palace, and together. Remus –"

"I'll be at the Museum," Remus interrupted with a nod. "That's where Greyback will be. I know where I'm needed most."

Dumbledore nodded and turned to Lily.

"I'll be at the Palace too, sir," she said before he could open his mouth.

"No, Lily," he said shaking his head. "I want you at the museum."

What? Lily's mouth fell open. "But, Professor," she protested.

"Lily, I need you at the museum tonight. It's going to be bloodthirsty and I need your skills."

"You need me at the Palace too! Or Downing Street, I don't care either way."

"I'll talk to you about this later," Dumbledore said quietly, making it quite clear that she had been dismissed. Pushing her chair back with a clatter, Lily stalked angrily from the room.

---

Dumbledore found her a quarter of an hour later, flipping angrily through the dusty pages of an old book in the library. She sneezed three times in quick succession and slammed the book closed.

"I'm not sending you away, Lily."

"Yes, you are," she replied moodily.

Dumbledore sighed and sat down in front of her. "I need your help tonight, Lily." He paused, his piercing blue eyes penetrating her own. "I have devised a protection spell, hopefully more powerful than any other we have used so far, which, if it works correctly, will keep the Muggles, who are attending the Museum function tonight, safe."

He paused again to let this all sink in. "So how do I help?" Lily asked.

"Ah, well, you see, this spell is unlike others. It requires witches and wizards to hold it in place. The more wizards holding it in place, the more powerful the protection is."

"Why me?" Lily interrupted. "I don't like battles, Professor, you know that. I prefer jobs requiring stealth. Why can't I go to the Palace?"

"You are excellent at Charms, Lily. You were top of your class seven years in a row."

Lily glared at him suspiciously. "That can't be the only reason. Why don't you want me at the Palace? Is it because of the Guildenweed fiasco?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "No, and given the circumstances, you handled that situation extremely well. I was, _am_ very proud of you for that night."

"Then why -?"

"I need James and Sirius at the Palace. They are two of the best wizards we have in the Order, and they work best together."

"But what's that got to do with me?"

Dumbledore looked down at his hands. "I cannot have you and James working together, Lily."

Lily's mouth fell open. She had not been expecting that answer. "That's not fair!" she exclaimed. "Make him go to the Museum then! I didn't ask for his attention!"

"No, Lily," Dumbledore said quietly. "I need him at the Palace."

"You need me there too! I am just as capable as James, if not more so."

"You will both be distracted," Dumbledore said, his voice firmer and louder. "I _need_ you at the Museum tonight. Will you help me or not?"

Lily glared at him. "Of course, but -"

"Thank you," he said before she could complain further. He left, leaving Lily to glare at the empty doorway. It _wasn't_ fair. It had been her plan and now she was being forced to the Museum, where a battle would surely break out. That wasn't her type of fighting. She hated the pointless bloodshed. Sneaky work was much more her style.

"Angry?" It was Remus, emerging behind one of the shelves.

"You were eavesdropping," she accused bluntly.

"No, I simply overheard." He grinned at her. "Besides, I'm going to the Museum too." When she didn't say anything, he patted her hand gently. "You know James will be distracted with you there."

She stood up suddenly, her chair falling over with a bang. "So I'm the one that gets punished for it? That's fair!"

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hope you liked it. please leave a review! xxx 


	10. The Second Escape

**AN:** Wow. I am soo sorry. I can't believe how long this has taken me to update. I wish i could promise regular updates from now on, but my computer's actually broken and i'm in the process of getting it fixed/getting a new one, so i will try as hard as i can to update more quickly than last time...anyway, thanks so much if you've stuck with me, and are still reading this story. you guys are amazing!! Enjoy!

* * *

A shiver ran through Lily's body, starting at her toes and working its way up along her spine. Another followed the first, then another, until Lily couldn't tell where one shiver ended and the next began. She was crouched outside a set of double doors, staring down a dark stone passageway. Behind the closed doors, the Muggles carried on with their party, oblivious to Dumbledore's strongest protection spell cast over them, held in place by more than fifteen witches and wizards.

The force of the spell weighed down noticeably upon Lily, who knew it would only get worse as her fellow Order members were attacked and she was forced to carry a larger portion of the spell. It was heavy enough as it is, and she wondered how long she would be forced under its weight.

As she stretched her neck from side to side, the bones cracking satisfyingly, Remus approached her left side, his eyes darting around warily. "Seen anything?"

"Nope," Lily muttered. "Not that I could do much if I did see someone." She indicated her wand, which she held pointed upwards, faint silver-gold threads running out of its tip.

"Sarah said she'd be over here soon. You'll be alright with her around," Remus said, his voice worried.

"I'll be fine," Lily attempted to convince him. "You just go back to your position and wait for the Deatheaters to arrive like a good boy."

He grinned at her. "See you on the other side."

"See you," she replied, gazing back down the passageway as Remus left. She felt slightly better. But only slightly. Lily sighed and tried to work herself into a better position…this was going to be a long night.

---

A flash of light woke Lily from her light doze. She hadn't even noticed she'd nodded off, and immediately felt panic rise up inside her like bile.

"Looks like the fun's about to start," Sarah commented from her place beside Lily. "Rise and shine, sweetheart. We're about to kick some serious Deatheater ass.'

"That sounded like a line from a bad movie," Lily muttered, wedging herself firmly between one of the two tall stone pillars either side of the oak doors, and gazing down the passageway.

Sarah didn't reply, just raised her wand and began shooting spells as soon as she saw the dark shapes come hurtling around the corner at the far end of the corridor. More Order members and Ministry officials joined Sarah and soon the hallway was filled with flashing lights, loud bangs, and yells of pain and success. Lily wished she had James' invisibility cloak, but quickly reprimanded herself for such a cowardly thought. It would do no good wishing herself out of danger, and it would certainly do no good thinking about James and the danger _he_ was in.

The pressure on Lily suddenly intensified, and Lily knew that meant fellow Order members were no longer carrying their share of the spell. Were they dead? Or just knocked out? Lily didn't know, and could barely spare a thought for it: the pressure on her head was so great she could only wince and swear quietly under her breath.

Her nose started to bleed, but she did not drop her wand. She couldn't. If she dropped out now, then the Deatheaters would be yet another step closer to killing the hundreds of muggles inside the Museum hall.

Lily cracked open an eye and gazed around the pillar to see Sarah, dancing manically as she dodged spells and shot off hexes, grinning delightedly, her black hair whipping around her. Wizards and witches all along the hallway dropped, and Lily could barely tell who was who through all the smoke and darkness. The weight on her shoulders was steadily increasing, and Lily found herself clutching her chest, gasping for air. The Order members were being forced backwards, many dropping like flies around her. The Deatheaters were gaining on them…it wouldn't be long now…and Lily couldn't stand it any more…it was too much…she needed to breathe…couldn't breathe…

Lily's vision swam as her head spun. Her hand holding the wand began to shake and slowly fell down to her side as she collapsed onto the cold marble floor. The last thing she heard before she passed out were dozens of loud cracks, screams, and then quiet, as her vision turned black.

---

Lily woke up, as completely and suddenly as if someone had just yelled in her ear. She was lying on a comfortable leather couch, a few blankets thrown carefully over her, in a familiar sitting room. Sitting up quickly, Lily heard someone tut loudly behind her.

Madame Pomfrey bustled over and pulled at her eyelids, checking her vision, while muttering under her breath about dangerous spells, and careless magic. It was very strange to see the Hogwarts matron in James Potter's living room, but Lily sat still until she had been thoroughly checked over.

"Well, you'll survive," Madame Pomfrey said huffily. "Do you think you can stay out of trouble while I check on my other patients?"

Lily nodded meekly and watched Madame Pomfrey open the door and leave the room. She had barely exited, when James strode through, his face looking thunderous.

"You could have killed yourself!" he yelled. "Why the _hell_ did you hang on so long? You were the only one left holding up that spell – the spell that was meant for twenty people. What did you think you were doing?!"

"Stop yelling," Lily said, drawing away from him. "My head hurts."

"Your head hurts," he repeated. "Your _head _hurts. Well of course your head bloody hurts! YOU ALMOST KILLED YOURSELF!"

"Will you stop yelling!" Lily exclaimed. "What happened? Where's Voldemort?"

James frowned and sat down on the couch beside her. It seemed he wanted to keep shouting, but answered her questions anyway. "You were losing badly. The Deatheaters would have taken the place if we hadn't arrived when we did. We managed to save the Queen and round up all the Deatheaters at the palace – you were right, Voldemort didn't send many – and then we came to help you."

"I heard a lot of loud cracks," Lily said, trying to remember.

"You were unconscious by the time I arrived," James said, looking murderous again. "We joined in the fight, and then Voldemort arrived and yelled for them all to go. All the Deatheaters disapparated. Then Voldemort saw me hanging on to you. He looked absolutely livid – it was terrifying. He raised his wand, and I disapparated, taking you with me. I get the feeling he's not too pleased with us since we escaped him last time."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "And…and, the others? Is everyone okay?"

James' face grew softer and he looked away. "There were casualties, Lil."

Lily sobbed. "Who?" she whispered.

"Hannah Steadfast, Vesper Coots…" he looked up and met her eyes. "And…Eleanor."

A ringing silence filled Lily's ears, as she attempted to process what he had just told her. Eleanor. Her best friend, Eleanor. Sweet, naïve, Eleanor. Dead.

It just wasn't possible. James had to be wrong. He just had to be. Eleanor had been here just hours ago. Talking and laughing…telling Lily it would all be okay. They'd all be okay.

James reached out to touch her shoulder but she pulled away from him. "Please go," she said quietly. "Please, James. Just…just go."

She heard a loud sigh, then the door open and close. Crossing to the window, Lily pressed her forehead against the cool glass and felt her eyes and throat burn. The door opened again, and Lily turned around. It was James, followed closely by Sarah, who's eyes were puffy and bloodshot. Sarah ran to her, and they clung tightly to each other, sobbing.

James let himself quietly out of the room, and was met by Sirius, waiting for him in the hall.

"How are they?" he asked, his characteristically sombre eyes worried.

"I'm not sure it's really sunk in," James muttered, making his way towards the kitchen, Sirius at his side.

"So I'm guessing now wouldn't be the time to tell Lily we saw Snivellus at the Palace?"

Shaking his head, James said, "She's had enough bad news for one day. For some reason she's always worried about that slimy git. And now we've got proof he's a Death Eater."

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**Thanks for reading! I will try and update soon. Love reviews!!! **


	11. An Excess of Lilies

Oh dear. I didn't do very well with updating quickly, did I? Sorry about that. Not sure if I really like this chapter...well, I hope you do. And thanks so much for all of your reviews! I was really glad to hear that some of you are really starting to care about the non-jkrowling characters. sorry about killing them off...:o)

**(james-s2-lily**: I actually really like Snape now. I've started writing another story called 'A snake can't change its stripes' which starts out LilySnape. hehe. guessing you don't like him much tho? shame... **An Aspiring Author: **Thanks for the review! I'm actually quite surprised you find her a really strong character. I think I've actually made her quite cowardly lately, maybe not in the fighting, but when it comes to James, perhaps. **kittyluvr:** Thanks for revieiwing and sticking with me. Sorry it took so long. )

Righto, well next chapter will involve the third defiance of Voldemort, and Snape will make an appearance (yay). And hopefully will be going into Remus' thoughts a bit. Good good, well enjoy!

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James did not sleep well over the next week. Death stalked his thoughts and haunted his dreams, and everywhere he turned he saw grief and heartache. Funeral after funeral, service after service, James found himself counting those who had died, those who would never walk again, never talk again, never think again. It was just too much.

And now Lily had gone too. In fact, most of the Order had left James' house, and it was strangely quiet. Sirius was still there – walking around moodily and kicking things. His presence didn't exactly lighten James' disposition much. And Sally was there too. As guilty as James felt about it, he tried as hard as possible to avoid her. They hadn't spoken again about a paternity test, but James got the feeling he'd deeply insulted her by asking for one.

A week after Lily's departure, James received a letter from her. A brown barn owl brought it early one autumn morning, when the weather had just turned cold enough to merit a jacket. James was sipping tea at his kitchen table when he noticed the familiar neat handwriting, and ripped the envelope open at once. A letter fell out and he hurried to unfold it.

_Dear James,_

_Sorry about my rather hasty departure. I really needed to get away after the funeral. I'm sure you understand. A lot of things were running through my head – well, maybe you wouldn't understand that ___

James stared at the little smiley face and grinned. It was as if the letter had come from a time long ago – a time when Lily still laughed, joked, and teased James.

_Ellie's death made me realise a few things. Like how selfish I've been, I suppose. I don't know, maybe this will sound stupid, but the one thing Eleanor wanted was a fairytale ending; to fall in love and live happily ever after. Well, I don't know about happily ever after. I don't even know how long that will be, but I'm pretty sure I've found the love of my life. _

_And this isn't me thinking we could die tomorrow so I need to live now. This is me finally realising that I have no reasons not to be with you, and about a million why I should, including the fact that I love you. _

_So there it is. I hope you haven't fallen head over heels in love with Sally while I've been gone. And I don't care if she is carrying your child, she's horrible and she can't have you. _

_Anyway, I want to see you soon, but now that I've come home, my mother's determined not to let me leave for a long time. Well, until my sister's wedding anyway. It's in a few weeks, and I'd love it if you could come. Mum said I could bring a guest. Petunia won't like it, but hopefully she'll be distracted by the whole getting married thing. Don't worry about a present. I'll get one. What do you think about a cursed hat?_

_See you soon I hope!_

_Lots of love,_

_Lily xxx_

James reread the letter, his eyebrows raised. Lily sounded positively cheerful. Was this letter actually from her? Lily had been sad ever since her father died almost a year ago. No, maybe sad wasn't the right word. Scared. Angry. Afraid of another death. Lily's best friend had just died, yet she sounded upbeat and happy. Maybe she'd needed another death to pull her out of the fear, to help her escape.

Grabbing a scrap of parchment and quill off of the table, James scribbled, _Sounds like fun. I'll be the one in the pink tux – you can't miss me. ____ Love you, James, _and sent the reply with the barn owl, a small smile playing on his lips, his brow creased in thought.

---

Lily gazed thoughtfully around her room, fingering the thin stem of her champagne glass. It was only ten o'clock in the morning, and the champagne had been flowing since nine. Perhaps she'd had too much already – Lily closed her eyes tightly and reopened them. Nope. They were still all there.

"Wow, that's a lot of flowers," a voice drawled from behind her.

Lily spun around and grinned at the tall boy framed in her doorway. "I can't tell you how relieved I am you're not wearing a pink suit."

"Well, I'd like to go to more than one wedding in my lifetime, and I thought your sister would probably kill me if I didn't look like a respectable muggle."

Lily turned away, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks. It wasn't as though she'd never dreamt about marrying James. But it had always been that – a dream. Yet James spoke as though it was a definite.

"So," James said, picking his way through her room, and sitting down on her bed. "The flowers?" he gestured around the room, where huge white flowers sat on every available surface.

"They ran out of white roses down at the flower shop. So the florist brought lilies. I think it was mum's idea, actually. Anyway, Petunia threw a wobbly and refused point blank to have any lilies at her wedding. She said they were the flower of death and would bring nothing but bad luck."

"Sounds like a lovely girl," James grinned. "'Flower of death'? That's a bit dramatic isn't it?"

Lily smiled back. "So why are you here so early?"

"To spend time with you of course." He patted the duvet beside him. "Sit. So, tell me, how are the Muggles dealing with the Prime Minister's death?"

"They think it was a heart attack. No one really liked him that much anyway, so they're not too bothered, to be honest. I think if the Prime Minister, the Queen, and a couple of hundred Muggles had all died on the same night, though, people would be a bit more worried." Lily put down her glass. "So, how's Sally?"

Shrugging, James said, "No idea. Haven't seen much of her lately. She's not very happy with me."

"I feel bad," Lily admitted, looking down at her clasped hands.

"Why?"

"She's in love with you. I know how that feels."

James cupped her face in a warm hand. "Really?"

"Yeah, it's awful."

He laughed and she kissed him sweetly. They broke apart and James traced her cheek with a thumb. "You alright?" he asked, his voice nothing more than a deep rumble.

"I miss her so much, it actually hurts. I just want her back." A tear spilled out of her eye and snaked down her cheek.

"I know," he whispered, drawing her into his chest and stroking her hair gently. "I know how that feels."

"It's going to happen again and again."

James nodded against her head.

"What do we do?"

He thought for a moment, then shrugged gently. "We live for them."

Sighing, Lily reached up and gently stroked his lips and brushed away a lock of hair. "You're lovely," she murmured, earning a laugh from him. "Want to meet my mother?"

"I think I already did. Peroxide blonde. Looked very harried."

"Possible…"

"Told me to comb my hair."

"Yep, that was her." Lily grinned. "I could introduce you as my boyfriend." Smiling sadly, Lily added, "Who knows, maybe you could get her to like me."

"She may not show it, Lily, but she's your mother. She _does_ love you."

Lily said nothing. She pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees.

"So. I'm your boyfriend?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea what we are, James. I'm not sure I'll ever know."

"Marry me."

Lily's head snapped up so fast, she was sure she'd done permanent damage. "What did you say?"

"I want you to marry me."

"But -"

"No, Lils, listen. Our relationship, whatever this is, it's infuriating. I love you more than physically possible. I always have. Ever since the first insult." He grinned. "But you keep running away." She opened her mouth to protest but he pushed on. "No, listen. I don't blame you, half the time. And with this whole Sally thing, I'm surprised you didn't run all the way to the South Pole. I would have understood if you did. But the thing is, I want you. I always have and I always will, so just say you'll marry me, so you can stop running and I can stop trying to find you. Just let this happen."

"I don't know whether to be insulted or not. I didn't come off very well in that speech." She bit her lip thoughtfully. "But you're right. I do run when things get tough. The thing is, you've never actually done anything wrong. It's just me. This is who I am. And this war…it brings out the best in some people, but it's certainly brought out the worst in me."

"No, Lil-"

"But the thing is," Lily interrupted, not wanting to stop now she'd started. "I've been so afraid for so long. But, I don't know, when Ellie died, the fear just went. I don't know why." She shook her head and looked into his eyes, so intent on her. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm not afraid of you – of us – anymore. You could have fifty pregnant girls show up, claiming your paternity, everyone I know could die, Sirius can claim his undying love to you, and I'll still be here. I promise. No running this time."

Slipping an arm around her waist, James moved closer to her. "So are you accepting?"

A look of surprise came over Lily's face, as though she'd forgotten his proposal. "Oh, James, I don't kn-"

"Lily, you are so frustrating!" he cried, getting to his feet and gazing at her in wonderment. "You just make a speech about how you'll never leave me, and yet -" he broke off, catching the grin on her face. "You're…you're joking?" he asked tentatively.

She laughed and launched herself off of the bed, flying into his arms. "Of course I'm joking you pillock. Obviously I'll marry you."

James chuckled weakly, and fell backwards over a huge vase of flowers before crashing into the wall. "Ow," he moaned weakly, but was quickly distracted, as Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him so passionately, so desperately, that he was left weak in the knees.

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Hope you liked. I'd really love your feedback about this chapter, because I was a bit meh about it. Will really really try to update soon!! xx 


	12. Flight and Treachery

**AN**: Three amazing things: 1) I am updating ONE DAY after my last update!!! incredible no? 2) this chapter is long! well, by my standards. 3) I really like this chapter!!! which doesn't usually happen. Now, I did insinuate something in this chapter which, to be honest, you're all gonna go, 'oh no!' at next chapter. very sorry, but it has been coming from the beginning. hehehe. sigh. umm, what else. Umm, if you haven't read Earthworms (the prequel to this), well, it doesn't really matter, but I have mentioned Sarah's name change which happened in chapter 10 of that fic, i think. Not really important, but just in case you were wondering where that came from. Again, thanks for all my amazing reviews...

Ocean of Dreams: Thanks so much! good to be back:o) Princess Eclpise: Thanks! This quick enough? hehe. I'm so impressed with myself...lol Raquelita: Glad you like it! Funny thing about the M-rated bit - that one chapter story has got more hits than all of the chaps of this one put together!! piggy396: haha, no not sick, just that sort of described my bla feelings towards last chapter. 'eep' describes this one :o) oh, and Lily doesn't get on with her family...i go into that quite a bit in the prequel to this story called earthworms..., chapter 12 especially i think. you should read it! thanks again! stardust718: first happy chapter in quite a while, i know! I'm not sure if I'm going to get to their wedding in this story. wasn't really planning on it. u think i should? james-s2-lily: better? haha, next update prob won't be quite so quick, but i promise it wont be as slow as the last one! thanks for sticking with me!! sarena678 & An Aspiring Author: hehe, you'll have to wait and see! But don't worry, James is a good guy! and don't be so quick to trust Sally...;o) **And to everyone else, thanks so much for the reviews!**

Righto, enjoy!

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"Hey, why do I know the name Nathaniel Taylor?"

Remus looked up from his book as Sirius strode into the room, a newspaper open in front of his nose. He was sprawled on a sofa, attempting to read in the half light filtering through the grimy windows of Sirius' flat.

"Taylor? Wasn't that Sarah's last name before she changed it?"

Sirius looked at him blankly.

"Sarah?" Remus tried again. "The girl currently asleep in your bedroom…ring any bells?"

Sirius shot him a withering look and sunk into an armchair. "I know who Sarah is. But her last name's Zabini."

"Which is why I said, 'before she changed it.' Listen Sirius."

He continued to stare blankly at the now exasperated boy across from him. "She changed her last name? When? More importantly, why?"

Remus gave him an incredulous look, and tossed put his book down. "Honestly, Padfoot, the girl you've been shagging since third year has only been Zabini since last year. Taylor's her father's last name. Apparently he ran out on them not long after she was born, so she took her mother's last name instead."

"How do you know all this?"

"How do you _not _know all of this?" Remus picked up his book and hid behind it once more.

"So, Nathaniel Taylor is…"

"Nate, I assume. Her brother. He was in the year above us. Honestly, did you even go to Hogwarts?" A long silence followed, and Remus finally peered around his book to see Sirius, half-shocked, half-wary, staring at the Daily Prophet. "What's happened to him?"

Sirius pursed his lips, then looked up at his friend through his dark fringe. "He's dead."

---

"Shouldn't you be downstairs with the other giggling bride's maids?" James asked, lazily kissing the top of Lily's head.

"No," she replied, her fingers tickling his chest and the sparse hairs that grew there. They'd pushed all the flowers onto the floor, and were now curled up underneath her blankets, listening to the soft thumping of music drifting up from downstairs. "I'm happy right here. And besides," she shifted so she could reach his lips. "I'm not a bride's maid. More like an unwelcome guest."

"Lily -" James began, attempting to sit up.

"James, it's ok. My family's shit, I know that. My sister hasn't spoken to me since I was eleven. My mother's a flake who worries more about my weight than my wellbeing. My father…well, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead."

James looked at her, his eyes worried. He wished he could take it all away from her – all the pain she'd ever felt.

"And I don't really remember my brother much. I was so young, and he was five years older than me. He always looked after me and Tuney, though. God, I loved him. I just couldn't understand where he'd gone after he died."

"How did he die?"

"He fell out of a tree and broke his neck. Petunia found him."

Wrapping his arms even tighter around her, James closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. Maybe if he loved her enough, it would all be okay.

"My mother," James began, his voice very soft. "She was never really that interested in my father or me. I mean, I loved her with all my heart, but she was always distant. It was my father who really raised me. He was my hero as a little kid – so big and strong." James closed his eyes and sighed. "But then I grew up and saw how weak he really was. My mother was having numerous affairs behind his back and he knew about it, but did nothing. He was such a coward. He loved her so much, he refused to see that she didn't love him."

Lily watched him, not saying a word. He'd never spoken about his family before. As a child, he'd seemed to so pampered and loved. She'd always pictured two adoring parents who gave their son everything he'd ever wanted. He was a child at the centre of his parents' universe.

"They got married because Mother was pregnant with me. I was born in March, they got married the previous September. I'm not stupid, I could work it out." He paused. "Having me ruined her entire life." He seemed to have finally said what he'd been thinking for years.

"James, please don't say that. If she hadn't had you…what would I do?"

He squeezed his eyes tighter, and pressed his forehead against hers. "We'll have a normal family ok?"

"Yes," Lily whispered. "A little boy and a little girl. And…and Sally's child too, of course."

"I am _so_ sorry, Lily. I never wanted to hurt you."

She felt something wet fall onto her face and realised he was crying. "Accidents happen," she murmured. "I'm not angry. We'll make this work, I promise." She kissed him softly. "Come on, let's get dressed. It's time I introduced the unwelcome guest's unwelcome guest to my mum and Petunia, I suppose."

---

"Sarah, say something."

She looked so small sitting on his bed, her long dark hair still mussed from sleep, her thin frame shrouded in an overlarge shirt of Sirius'.

"Sarah, please."

"I'm out," she said finally, her voice as dead as her face.

Sirius frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not doing it anymore. I'm out." She glared at him. "You can all carry on risking your necks, but I won't do it anymore. Everyone's going to die; that's how this ends, Sirius. We all die."

"He wasn't even in the Order," he began gently, only to be cut off.

"Exactly." She jumped out of bed and pulled on her discarded jeans. "So what chance do the rest of us stand?" She moved over to him, took him by the neck, and kissed him desperately, before pulling away and running through the open doorway. He heard Remus say something in the next room, then the front door slammed shut, and he was left standing completely alone, gazing out of the window at the dark grey sky.

"What happened?" It was Remus, standing in the doorway, his arms folded. "What did you say to her?"

Spinning around to face him, Sirius glared at his friend. "I just told her the truth," he spat. "And she ran. She said we were all going to die, and she ran."

"Shit," whispered Remus. Then he frowned. "What _exactly_ did you say to her?"

"I told her her brother was dead!" Sirius yelled. "Exactly how many ways are there to do that? Sorry if I'm not the king of sensitivity but I did my best!" His chest heaved in anger as he glared furiously at Remus.

"Sorry," Remus muttered. "I didn't mean -"

"Yeah, well you never do, Remus. You never _mean_ to make me feel like shit, but you're always doing it. Even now, when the only girl I've ever actually cared about has gone, and I know I'm never going to see her again, you still treat me like it's all my fault."

Remus took a step forward, his arm outstretched, his eyes wide. "Sirius, please, I never meant…"

"Yeah, well –" Sirius began but froze when he heard the front door creak open. Pushing past Remus, he ran out into the living room, only to droop in disappointment as Peter slunk into the flat.

"Hi," he said nervously, closing the door behind him, and wringing his hands. "What's going on?"

"Sarah's gone," Sirius spat, turning away from him to stand by the window and gaze down at the deserted muggle street below.

"Gone?" Peter asked tentatively.

"Her brother died," Remus said gently, crossing the room to Sirius and resting a hand on his shoulder. "She'll come back, Padfoot."

"No," he said simply. "No, she won't. She's gone."

"Maybe we should go after her?" Peter suggested, glancing around the room, as if he half expected someone to jump out at him.

"Oh great idea," Sirius said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Only one little problem. We have no idea where the fuck she's gone."

Remus squeezed his friend's shoulder in condolence, wishing he could do more to help. But there was nothing any of them could do. They all knew Sarah, and they all knew she wouldn't come back. Sirius sighed and covered Remus' hand with his own, before turning around and facing Peter. "Been a while, Wormtail. Mother still sick?"

"Getting better," Peter muttered, his face turning pink. Sirius snorted. "We should go to James."

"Why?" asked Remus.

Peter blushed harder. "Well, he might know what to do. And anyway, he's with Lily, isn't he? She'll want to know her best friend's brother just died."

Remus nodded, "Yeah, she'll need to be told."

"I'll go," Sirius said, striding across the room and yanking open the front door. He stepped outside and disappeared with a crack.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I better go too, Pete. You know what Sirius is like." Following his friend, he disapparated also, leaving Peter standing alone.

With another tentative look around, Peter smiled to himself, and drew back his sleeve, pressing a stubby finger to a faint mark on his forearm. He then drew Nathan Taylor's wand out of his robes and studied it. He muttered a few words and, with a crack, it disappeared. Then, without a backward glance, Peter scurried from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

---

"This is a bit boring," James muttered, attempting to cover a yawn with the back of his hand.

"Shh," Lily muttered, trying not to let her mind wander as the priest droned on and on, and her sister gazed dreamily at the large man in front of her. "I'm amazed at how much Vernon looks like his sister."

"Yeah," James whispered back, grinning. "If you look closely though, you can tell them apart: he's got bigger breasts, and her moustache is bushier."

Lily snorted and elbowed him, as other wedding guests turned to glare at them, and press their fingers to their lips. Two loud cracks sounded suddenly from outside the church walls. The priest faltered and looked around the large chapel before carrying on. James and Lily, however, were not so quick to brush the noise off. They looked nervously at each other, the smiles wiped from their faces. Movement out of the corner of her eye made Lily turn her head. Her mouth fell open as she saw Sirius, followed closely by Remus, slip through a side door, and gaze warily around the full room. "Oh, I'm going to kill them," she muttered, but her words were drowned out by the cheering of the crowd as Petunia and Vernon shared their first kiss as a married couple.

In the commotion that followed, Lily and James pushed their way through the crowd until they found Sirius and Remus.

"That was a…um…lovely service," Remus said, scratching his nose. "Sorry, we didn't realise the ceremony was still going on."

"What are you doing here?" James asked, his eyes on Sirius. Something was wrong.

"Sarah's brother was killed this morning," he replied. "When we told her, she ran."

"You don't know where she went?" James asked, finding Lily's hand and squeezing it.

"No," Remus said, glancing at Lily sympathetically.

All four spun around suddenly as more loud cracks sounded from outside, and someone screamed. Looking panic-stricken, Lily ran from the church out into the drizzling, cold September day. Robed figures were dotted amongst the party guests, their wands held high, sparks shooting into the air. People ran in all directions, screaming and yelling in fear. Someone collided into Lily's back and she tripped down a few steps, before running into the crowd, searching frantically for her mother and sister.

"What have you done?" Petunia's scream came from her left and she turned, grabbing her bony wrist.

"Where's Mum?" Lily yelled.

"You've ruined my wedding, you bitch! You've ruined everything!"

"Remus!" Lily grabbed wildly for her friend, still not letting go of her struggling sister. "Remus, get her to safety, please!" He nodded, taking Petunia's shoulder as her hands were occupied with Lily and Vernon. With a crack, he disappeared, pulling the newly married couple with him.

Dodging a jet of light, Lily spun around frantically, trying to catch sight of her mother's platinum bob. Muggles ran everywhere as masked wizards wandered through the panicking people, apparently searching for someone. Then she saw it, her mother's bright blonde hair bobbing in the distance. But at that exact same moment, Lily watched as a flash of red light hit James squarely in the chest, and he fell to the ground, his head hitting the pavement with a sickening crack.

"No!" Lily screamed, running towards him and crashing accidentally into Sirius as she went. "Sirius, please, my mother. Get her to safety!" She pointed to the hyperventilating woman as she continued to run to James.

"Got ya, girlie," someone muttered in her ear as strong arms clasped around her middle and lifted her off her feet. "Won't be gettin' away this time." And everything went black.

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Cliffhanger. Ooh. Please leave a review! Really, truly love every single one of 'em. Oh, and if you've got time, I uploaded a new story. It's called "Lily's Story", so go check it out. Oh, and (random) but does anyone know what colour Ron's eyes are? (Or if that's even mentioned?) Writing a little ficlet and got quite severley told off once for getting the character's eye colour wrong...thanks so much for reading! xx annie 


	13. No Turning Back

**AN:** Hello! Thanks so much for the lovely reviews! (and the help with Ron's eye colour!!) bit disapointed though, no one picked up on the little insinuation last chap! hehe, it'll be a lovely surprise then. Hope you like this chapter. bit longer than normal. ok, Enjoy!

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"I am _displeased_, Lucius."

Lily blinked. Her head felt strangely heavy as she raised it off of the cold, stone floor. She blinked again and tried to see through the darkness as her eyes adjusted to the nearly non-existent light. What had happened?

"My Lord, please forgive me."

"I do not forgive, Lucius. Do you think my time is invaluable? Do you believe that I enjoyed spending an entire week arranging circumstances where the four teenagers would be together, _out_ of the Order's protection, only to have two of them slip through my fingers?"

"My Lord, Potter and the girl, we brought-"

"Silence."

The voices grew fainter until Lily could no longer hear them. So. Remus and Sirius had got away. But what about everyone else? There had been so many muggles at that wedding. Had they all survived?

She sat up, and felt thick chains pull at her wrists. Across the dark cell, she could just make out a dark form, slumped on the floor.

"James," she whispered, trying to free her arms so she could go over to him. "Please don't be dead."

"Lily?"

Lily spun around, scrambling back, so her back was pressed against the damp wall. "Who's there?" She recognized that voice.

"Lumos."

Wincing at the sudden light, she peered up into the shadowy face of Severus Snape, standing over her, his face masked with shock.

"What are you doing here?"

"Severus?" she whispered. "What are _you_ doing here?"

He crouched down in front of her, his face dark with worry and fear. "It's _you_. It's you he wanted."

"Please, Severus, you didn't. Please say you didn't join them."

"I didn't know about this, I swear." He reached out and touched a cut on her eyebrow, but she jerked her head away from him.

"You're a Deatheater? You're actually a Deatheater?"

He looked away from her, his eyes glinting with tears. "Why are you here, Lily? What did you do?"

"What did I do?" she asked incredulously. "I didn't take the easy way out. I chose what was right, and if I have to die to -"

"No," Snape said, his voice stronger now.

"Sev," she said quietly, and his eyes found hers in the half light. He seemed to want to reach out and touch her, but restrained himself. "We used to be best friends," she murmured. "Why have you -"

"It wasn't enough for me, Lily," he said with a choked voice. "You were all I had."

Her chains clinking against the grimy floor, Lily reached out and touched his cheek gently. He closed his eyes, and a look of pain came over his face. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you from this. But I wish I could, Severus. I really wish I could." They held each other's gaze for a moment longer before Lily dropped her hand and looked away, over into the corner where James lay unconscious on the floor. "Please, is he alright?"

Snape followed her gaze until he also saw the dark shape on the far side of the cell. Slowly, he rose to his feet and crossed over to the body, nudging it gently with his shoe. "He's still breathing."

"Severus, listen to me," Lily said, her voice now frantic. "If you really love me, you'll do this." Snape's face drained of colour, but he did not speak. "I'll stay here until he kills me, I'll stay here with you, but please…please get James out."

"Lily," Snape said, his voice now nothing more than a weak whisper. "How could you choose him? _Potter_? The arrogant bully who hexed anyone that didn't fit into his perfect little world?"

"Please, Sev. If you actually love me, you'll do this."

"Lily, I can't…you don't understand…The Dark Lord…He'll kill me." Snape looked hard at the girl kneeling before him, tears streaming down her face. "I'll get you out, I'll speak for you. He'll listen, I know he will."

"No," Lily sobbed. "Save _him_."

Snape crouched down in front of her again, and wiped the tears trickling from her eyes. "Say my name, again," he whispered. "Please."

"Severus," she murmured, her eyes flitting between his. "If our friendship meant anything to you, you'll do this for me."

Getting to his feet, Snape crossed to the door. "Your wands?" he asked. Lily shook her head. "I'll find them," he said, then pointed his wand at her shackles and they broke, releasing her hands. Rushing across the room, she knelt and pulled James' head into her lap. He groaned deeply and a bubble of blood burst at the corner of his mouth.

"Don't do this to me, James," she whispered, cradling his head and kissing his forehead. "Please be alright."

---

"We're looking for them, Sirius, there's nothing else I can do." Dumbledore's voice was severe, but not unkind. "If you have any idea where they -"

"No, of course I don't," Sirius retorted, a little more rudely than intended. "I just don't understand, Professor. How did they know we were all there? The Deatheaters came after Remus and me as well, they weren't just after James and Lily."

"I don't know," Dumbledore said slowly, pacing his study.

"Voldemort won't let them escape again, not a third time, Dumbledore," Remus said, his voice pleading. "We have to find them."

Dumbledore did not reply, merely bowed his head. "They are the most talented witch and wizard Hogwarts has seen in many years. They've escaped him before - don't give up hope."

Sirius shook his head bitterly. "Empty words," he muttered before stalking to the door and wrenching it open. He disappeared out of sight down the spiral staircase.

"I better go after him," Remus said, but did not move to leave. With hesitation in his voice, as if he wasn't sure he really wanted to know the answer, he asked, "Do you think they'll be alright, Professor?"

"They _have_ escaped him before. And Voldemort may attempt to use them to bargain. At any rate, he will not be quick to kill them."

Remus nodded and left the study, following Sirius' echoing footsteps. They left the castle, and school grounds in a tense silence, and disapparated outside of the gates, reappearing at the door of Sirius' flat.

"Sirius?"

The tall boy ignored him as they both entered the apartment.

"Sirius?"

"It's our fault!" Sirius cried. "We must have somehow led the Deatheaters there."

"Don't be stupid," Remus said quietly. "They can't have a trace on us. The Deatheaters knew where Lily and James were all along, they were just waiting for us to arrive too."

"But how did they know we would go?" Sirius cried pulling a glass out of one of the kitchen cupboards and slamming it down on the counter. It shattered, and he cried out, grabbing his now bloody wrist with his free hand. "Fuck," he muttered, wincing at the bloody gash extending down his palm and across his wrist.

"Come here," Remus murmured, his voice tired. He took Sirius' hand and pointed his wand at it, muttering a few incantations and watching as the wound knitted itself closed.

"He's going to kill them, Remus," Sirius said, looking up at his friend through thick brown hair. "He'll kill them and there's nothing we can do to help."

Remus felt tears well up in his eyes as a feeling of despondency washed over him. "I know." He let go of Sirius' hand and turned around so his friend wouldn't see his tears.

"I'm going to find them," Sirius said, his voice stronger.

Remus turned back to face him. "Don't be stupid, Padfoot." His voice came out more aggressive than he had intended.

"I'm not going to sit back as they get killed. I'm not a fucking coward! If you want to cower here as Voldemort tortures them, then be my guest, but I'm going to actually _do _something."

Fury masked Remus' face as he glared at Sirius. "How dare you?" he spat, his voice laced with venom. "How dare you insinuate…You're not the only one who cares about James, you know!"

"You care about him?" Sirius taunted, his eyes flashing in anger. "Surely that would involve you actually having feelings -"

Sirius' words were cut off as Remus grabbed him, and slammed him against the kitchen wall. Chest heaving in anger, Remus glared at the boy in front of him. "You have no idea what I feel," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "How dare you say I don't feel…if you even knew…"

Their eyes met and locked, their breathing shallow as they glared at each other.

"You," Remus continued, tears shining yet again his light brown eyes. "You don't even know what love is, and yet you claim _I_ don't feel. You fuck everything that stands still long enough, and tell me _I_ don't feel?"

"Get off me," Sirius panted, trying to push the smaller boy off of him, but he was too strong.

"No," Remus sobbed. "No. You're _James'_ best friend. You make that very clear, but where does that leave me, Sirius? You don't even notice me."

"Don't notice you? How can I not, when you're always putting me down?" he yelled, grabbing Remus by the shirt and throwing him off with all his strength so he flew backwards and landed sprawled on the floor . "Everything I do is wrong. I'm the hopeless case, I'm never going to be fucking good enough for you, nothing I do is EVER GOOD ENOUGH!"

Remus picked himself up and slowly stood, glaring at his friend, who, for the first time, saw the wolf within the human. With a snarl, he dove at Sirius, knocking him to the ground and pinning him down, their noses mere centimetres apart. "Maybe you are worthless," he whispered, wishing his eyes would clear of tears. "Maybe you are nothing more than a worthless piece of _shit_." His grip on Sirius' shirt tightened and he leaned in closer so his nose pressed into Sirius' temple, his mouth touching his ear as he hissed, "But even that is a thousand times superior to what I am. I'm nothing more than a fucking animal that should be put down."

Freeing one of his arms, Sirius reached up and grabbed Remus' face, digging his fingers painfully into the back of his friend's neck and forcing Remus to look at him, their foreheads pressed together, allowing Sirius to feel the hot tears leaking from the fair-haired boy's eyes and splashing on his face. "Don't ever say that again," he whispered. "Don't even think it. You don't even know…you can't begin to imagine…" and then their lips were pressed together in desperation, their mingled tears trickling down Sirius' face, both moving with hunger as fingers dug painfully into flesh and heat surged through them.

---

"Come with us," Lily said, standing at the open door of their temporary cell, supporting James' weight. "We can hide you."

Severus shook his head. "Go with you to what? There's nothing for me in your world."

"At least you'd be on the good side."

"The good side?" Snape repeated. "You don't understand, do you? The only thing I've experienced in _your_ world is loneliness, cruelty and neglect. Nobody _here_ winces when they look at me, or sneers when I speak. This is the only place I have ever fit in. What does that say about '_your side'_? No, Lily. Without you, that world has nothing for me."

Lily hoisted James' arm further around her neck, and reached out to touch Snape's shoulder in gratitude. Smiling sadly at him, she replied, "I wish you could see what you're doing, Sev. It's the same world, and you're letting a childhood hatred destroy it."

"Leave, before someone sees you."

"What about you? Will you be in trouble?" Lily looked genuinely concerned, and Snape felt his heart ache. Suddenly, he realised this would be the last time he ever saw her.

"He won't kill me. I'll make it look like you escaped by yourselves."

Lily nodded and took a step backwards. "Take care of yourself." She set off down the passageway, half-carrying the barely conscious James. "Remember, it's never to late to do the right thing."

She heard him mutter, "Stupefy" behind her, and heard his body fall to the floor as she proceeded as fast as she could down the dark passageway, to where she knew a doorway to the outside lay ahead. Tears slowly filled her eyes as she realised the childhood friendship, which she considered to have ended years ago, was now well and truly over. They'd taken different paths, but who was she to say her path had been the right one? She, herself, hadn't killed anyone, but the Order had killed many. And who was she to admonish his choice when she had never experienced what he had at the hand of the Marauders – now the central figures of the Order of the Phoenix.

A doorway lay ahead, and with a quick look around the deserted passageway, Lily pushed it open. An alarm sounded far off, but she was already outside, the cold night air biting into her face, and, with a crack, she disapparated, pulling James with her.

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Thanks for reading! Please review! xxx 


	14. In Love and Loneliness

**AN: **Ok so the time it took me to update this story was ridiculous. I mean, I started writing this chapter as soon as I posted the last one. I rewrote it about 6 times, and in a fit of frustration, I deleted it all and sulkily refused to write anymore until I had an actual idea in my head...Then of course I promptly forgot about it, and almost a year later, went 'oh yeaaaahhh. fanfic. woops." Of course the addition of a packed uni year and a boyfriend to rival Edward Cullen probably didn't help ( If you didn't understand that reference, for goodness sake, just read the _Twilight_ series already. You will not regret it. )

I can't even start to tell you how sorry I am for making you wait this long for an update. It really is unfair to all my avid and dedicated readers, who really did find this stry enjoyable and interesting, and I will try to be better in the future. I have a three month holiday now, and I promise to use it productively!

So here it is, the final chapter, and I hope it lives up to your expectations.

Still love you all!

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Lily gazed unseeingly into the flickering fire before her, knees bent up under her chin, her long red hair falling around her body. Her thoughts jumped from topic to topic, not able to rest on one event of the past few days without feeling slightly queasy.

It was strange to be back at Hogwarts. Strange to be back in a place of her childhood, a place of innocence. Too much had happened since she'd left and even this beautiful place of sanctuary would never be quite the same again. She wished she could be sitting safely three floors above, in the Gryffindor girl's dormitory rather than the grand yet impersonal guest quarters of the castle. But someone else was nestled safely in her old bed now. A first year girl, temporarily safe from the war raging outside this fortress.

At that moment the door creaked open, and the dark shaggy head of Sirius came into sight.

"James is awake," he said, smiling weakly at Lily and entering the room properly.

"Oh thank Merlin," Lily murmured, releasing a breath she didn't even realise she had been holding, and uncurling herself from the couch. "Is he alright? There was no damage?"

"Just as irritating as he was before he lost consciousness," Sirius assured her with a feeble chuckle.

Lily nodded in relief and was about to walk past him out of the room when she caught his eye and paused. "How are _you_, Sirius?" she asked carefully, concern etched into her soft features.

A flicker of comprehension sparked behind the dark eyes and Sirius' brow creased ever so slightly. "Have you seen Remus lately?"

Lily nodded slowly, meeting his dark gaze.

"And you, er, spoke to him then?"

She nodded again.

Sirius closed his eyes. "He told you, didn't he?"

"We tell each other everything," Lily said softly.

"He trusts you."

Lily narrowed her eyes slightly. "But you still don't, Sirius." It wasn't a question.

"I'm getting there, Lily." They both stood in silence for a long moment before Sirius whispered, "I really fucked up, didn't I?"

"He'll forgive you. He'll always forgive you; he'll always be there."

"Yes, but I _hurt_ him," Sirius said, and Lily was surprised to hear his voice crack and pain mar his beautiful face. Stepping forward, Lily touched his shoulder and when he did not pull away, she folded him into her arms and let him cling helplessly to her.

"He knows you love him, Sirius. Not in the same way, I know, but he'll always be there for you because he knows that."

Finally, Sirius wiped his eyes, and took a step away. "I'm fine. Go to James, he needs you now."

Lily nodded and opened the door. "Sirius, if _you_ ever need me…I'm here. I'll always be here."

"I think I'm starting to realise that now."

---

"For a fractured skull, you don't look too bad." Lily crossed her arms and leaned against the bed, mouth twitching in amusement.

"I never look bad, Evans," muttered James, blearily opening his eyes and grinning at her. He raised a hand to his hair, but met thick white bandages instead. "Shit…what happened?"

"Your reflexes are getting slow," Lily replied, moving to sit next to him and gently brushing his forehead with her fingers. "You were stunned."

James winced. "Then what happened?"

"I got to you just as Guildenweed got to me." She shrugged. "Don't remember anything after that. We woke up in a cell somewhere."

The colour drained from James' face. "Then what?"

Lily hesitated. She couldn't tell James the truth. She just couldn't. As much as she wanted everyone to know what a truly brave person Severus was, James would hate to owe his life to his previous nemesis. And besides, if word got out of Severus' betrayal to Voldemort…she didn't even want to think about it.

"I stole a Deatheater's wand," she replied, repeating the story she had constructed as she dragged James' lifeless body up to the Hogwarts gates, still shaking with fear. "From that big one…he sort of looks like a gorilla. Crabbe, or Goyle. I'm not really sure which. I managed to stun him and accio our wands before they realised we were escaping. We got away just in time."

James stared in astonishment for a moment then grinned widely. "You're incredible, you know." He reached out and took her hand in his. "What about the muggles…all the wedding guests?"

"No one was hurt," Lily breathed. "The Deatheaters weren't bothered with them. It seemed they wanted the four of us: you, me, Sirius, and Remus. Probably Pete, too, now I think of it. I guess they've started to realise just how involved we are."

James sighed. "I suppose we couldn't keep it a secret forever, could we?"

Lily just leaned forward and kissed him gently, careful not to knock his head. "There's one more thing," she whispered.

"What?"

Lily licked her lips carefully, thinking of how to best phrase what she was about to say. "Madame Pomfrey was called away about an hour ago…It's, um, it's Sally."

James didn't say anything, so Lily continued.

"She went into labour this afternoon."

"But," James stuttered. "But, she's three months early."

Lily swallowed and gently shook her head. "No. She's had the baby – a little girl – she's very healthy, and…well she's only a few weeks premature, James."

"Oh," he slouched back into his pillows and looked out the window across the dark grounds. "Oh right."

"I'm so sorry, James," she whispered, studying his face intently.

"I should feel relieved."

Lily shook her head. "She was going to give you something beautiful, something good. And she took it away."

With a sigh, James ran a hand over his face. "I don't understand why she'd do this. What did she want? The house? The money? She can have it all, I don't care."

"I think she wanted something more," Lily replied softly, taking his chin in her hand and making him meet her eyes. "She wanted you James. All she wanted was you."

"I messed up, Lils."

"No it was me who made the mistake. I never should have left you. I won't ever again, I'm in this now. I promise. Forever. I'm never leaving again, being apart from you is too hard." She paused, tears glistening in her emerald eyes. "You're a part of me. A part I couldn't bare to lose."

He reached out and cupped her cheek with a warm hand. "I love you my darling girl." They sat like that for a moment before James finally drew away and leant back into his pillows, a look of discomfort crossing his face. "I've got the worst headache."

"What do we do now?"

James sighed and shook his head, wincing at the pain that small action caused him. "We get married Lily. We love each other for as long as our lives may last. We never stop fighting."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "I'm not sure, James."

"But -"

"Oh, not about the marriage!" she quickly corrected herself. "Trust me, I'm all in for that! It's just, I don't think we can fight for awhile. We're number one and two on Voldemort's most wanted, and besides…" she hesitated, seemingly unsure of how to phrase what she wished to say. "James, it's just…I think I might be pregnant."

For a full minute, James was rendered speechless, his mouth hanging open in comic surprise. "But. I. When?"

Lily smiled, her cheeks pink with excitement. "Right before my sister's wedding. I thought I might have been, after that. We weren't exactly being careful."

"No," James murmured, then grinned. "Oh this is excellent, Lily! I'll teach him to play Quidditch, he'll be the best flyer England has ever seen! And he'll have your brains, of course. Hopefully my charm and wit."

Lily was laughing now, and she climbed under the hospital blankets to nestle into James' side. She felt safe now, tucked into her love's arms. Everything would be okay. There would be happiness again, there would be joy. Small happinesses, small victories…that's what mattered now. That's what kept everything together, kept everyone standing. And the fact that they had the courage to still stand, to still be happy in defiance of the evil, to laugh in the face of death, and love through all the hatred, that's what mattered now.

Kissing James softly on the cheek, she watched him doze off, knowing that they were no longer two people, two souls, but one, never to be torn apart again. She would never leave him, never could, because he was everything now. Everything she had, everything that mattered, and she loved him, wholly, explicitly, undeniably. He was hers, forever, past fear and death. And nothing could change that.

Maybe things wouldn't work for her friends, Remus and Sirius, but then again, who knew what love could overcome? They were alone now, but they had their friendship, and surely that was strong enough to surpass anything? They would be alright. Everyone would be alright in the end. Because that's just how it was.

And that was how it ended. In loneliness and friendship. Death and new life. A sense of loss and the glimmering jewel of hope. But most of all with love. A love that was eternal. A love that would outlive death and overcome everything. Because the good always win, will always win, because love is all we have, and love will overcome anything. And as long as there are those who love, they will keep fighting for it.

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Thank you my beautiful darlings. Please do review, even if you are horribly angry with me. And I do promise not to put work or boys in front of you all again. Ok well, that was a lie, but I'll try and be better!! Love you all, annie xx


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